1. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Caboose, Red vs Blue
If she is giving you sex for free, don’t get all crazy and put her in a position to make you pay for it...she will make you pay. Instead act like a man and pay attention to other things, like football or shiny new technology.
2. It feels better to fuck than get fucked
I have a theory that there are two types of guys in this world: guys whose wives and girlfriends cheat on them and guys who help those very same women cheat. We all spend some time as each of these guys during the course of our lives. Being the former means a lot of pain, heartache, and sad drunken nights. Being the latter means you score some free sex without relationship attachments and go about your business while some other poor bastard gets to do all the working out of the relationship shit. Don’t be a fool.
3. Keep your options open
For some strange reason, after you get married, spending your Saturday nights gleefully shoving oddly shaped fruit into the anal cavities of drunken sorority sluts at keg parties tends to become out of the question. God Dammit, that’s not cool. Men need that kind of shit to live. For fucks sake. Unfair!
4. Forever is a long time
I hate to play the religious advocate here, but let us consider for a moment that there is indeed an afterlife. I wonder how many marriages fail in the afterlife? I’m sure it would be a good percentage. That is when you are faced with the numbers in real time. An actual conscience eternity involved exclusively in a relationship with only one chick. That is a frightening concept at the very least. Anyone who finds anything good in that is either not thinking logically or has some evil chick staring at him intently as he reads this and must play it cool.
5. You will have to say goodbye to your single friends
The guys you go to keg parties with, the random dudes that show up to blaze you out, the drunken group of fools you work with… all gone. You have to go home because you have a wife. Thinking of taking her with you? That violates man rule number fifteen, section b, paragraph three, which clearly states in bold letters: “You do not bring sand to the beach, you asshole.”
6. It is a suckers bet.
If you do your homework, you can actually gain a slight advantage over the house when putting your money on some blackjack. 3 out of 5 marriages fail in the first five years. Logically, you have a better chance to rape Vegas for a few million dollars than you do having a happy home life. Also, broken kneecaps don’t hurt as bad as woman-venom.
7. Marriage is a communist institution
All this equality regardless of contribution stuff doesn’t sound anything like Reagan’s trickle down economics. Even worse, in most relationships, one person controls all the finances. That borders on dictatorship.
8. Your diet will improve
Don’t even think for a second this is a good thing. A man needs a tough stomach just in case. We need to drink a little bacon grease every now and then. Bran and granola are for sissies and women-hybrids. Salads are only good if they have been sitting out for three days. Single guys have the strongest immune systems in the entire universe. Marriage is like Kryptonite to your super immune powers. “Does that make my fiancé Lex Luther, Zero?” Yes, it does.
And now, one for the chicks…
9. You’re better off without us.
Seriously. The majority of us are rotten bastards, and you’re lucky if you get one of us and not a metro sexual emo who cries during movies and has a strange thing for small furry animals. Stay single. The world needs single women to make bars fun.
Alert: If reading this top nine list made you so mad that you have begun to bleed anally, please seek medical attention before proceeding to comment. Also, the author excludes himself from any responsibility due to incidental vaginal blocking due to build up of sand or other such mineral composites therein.
Coming soon...99 Reasons