It can be a rough internet these days. Everywhere you go it seems someone wants to do comment battle with you. Comment battle can be a serious sport. Folks are often beaten to a bloody pulp; the records of which are left in full public view for all to see.
Fear not, young pirate ninja. Zero is here to help. I have put together this short guide to pwnag3 to help you defend yourself from attacks, whether provoked or not. Read on and learn what I like to call “Comment Kung Fu”.
Profanities always prevail
This isn’t Happy Fun Candy Land. Sailors can’t even curse like internet users. Using words like fuck, shit, and cunt is an unalienable right even for the red commie scum who aren’t human and hate apple pie. Swearing is your duty to freedom.
Sarcasm wins battles
If there was ever a sword of Greyskull that would pwnz any internet battle, it would be made entirely of sarcasm and be able to cut through tanks.
There is strength in numbers
While there is nothing honorable about gang raping some poor chap over his religious beliefs, there is nothing shameful about it either. It is always good to have two or three folks waiting in a chat room somewhere to quickly join in and turn your internet mugging into an old school jumping.
Avoid emotional outbursts
When you take shit all seriously it makes you look like a little bitch. Showing emotions during comment battle is akin to bleeding in a shark tank while you’re taking a swim. You will be systematically torn apart. Maintain a composure of manliness at all times. You have been warned.
Keep your attacks short and sweet
Anything more than five or six sentences and no one will even bother to read. Even that is pushing it. The best insults are and always have been one liners. Save the thesis for the college professors.
Let the fights go on as long as they have to
This is as much of a battle of wills as it is wits. Battles can sometimes go on for days, especially if some unemployed loser who never sleeps and pees in Mountain Dew bottles takes exception to your position that Star Trek sucked ass even though Shattner was pimp sauce and decides engage you in a week long duel. Sometimes it is better to just walk away.
Pictures are worth a thousand words
Or in this case, a thousand insults. The right picture posted at the right time can devastate any opponent, Hiroshima style. However, use this tactic too much and you run the risk of looking like a semi-retarded inbred ape and people start slapping you around like a Singapore slut.
Maturity is not a factor in any victory
Nowhere is it written that you have to be an adult about things. This is a virtual world full of video-taped beatings and pornography, fuck off with your civil behavior. That shit don’t live here.
Know when you have been pwnz3d
No one likes to kick a dead dog. Well, I heard Bush does, but that a whole other editorial entirely. Once you see that there is no possible way for you to come out on top of an argument, the honorable thing to do is find someone slower at another website and start over.
In closing, remember this; fighting on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics. You may win, but it is not something that will get you laid.