Not funny, but I think they're interesting and cynical. A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914).
1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
3. BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
6. DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.
9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
10. GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
11. HEARSE, n.
Death's baby-carriage.
12. IMPUNITY, n.
Wealth.
13. KILL, v.t.
To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
14. MISFORTUNE, n.
The kind of fortune that never misses.
15. OUTDO, v.t.
To make an enemy.
16. PEACE, n.
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
17. RIOT, n.
A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
18. RUMOR, n.
A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
19. SAINT, n.
A dead sinner revised and edited.
20. SELFISH, adj.
Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
