Letters to Viz Comic
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks. Stan Herschel
'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim. Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the bastard keeps coming home. M Bunford
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. Alan J. Thackray, London
IN Limp Bizkit's new single Fred Durst can be heard singing 'no one knows what it's like to be mistreated'. I feel my pet rabbit would disagree, having recently starved to death in a nest of its own excrement. Zoot, Aberdeen
Top Tips from VIZ:
NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response. M. Barrymore, New Zealand
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. J Calabas
FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple." Brian Clark
NUNS at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of Mercy' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes. Paul Bradsha
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks. Craig Meredith
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. Nigel Austin
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. James Smyth, Hitchin
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. A Corten, Caerleon
A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers. Bryn Littleton, Chester-le-Street
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money. R Bowen