Leaving off the most important reason we need them; the vagina.
1. Internet porn / Masturbation
We have too much readily available porn to worry about women anymore. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, they are all here. Good luck finding a woman who will dye her hair and fuck a donkey for your amusement every odd Thursday night. Also remember this; your hand will never, (Unless you are into some sick shit that none of us ever want to know about) cheat on you.
2. We can feel bad about our lives all by ourselves
Yes, we all know exactly how long we have been on the computer or playing that new video game we just bought. We know because the woman next to us won’t shut the fuck up about it. We also know that we probably need a new job and should start giving thought to our future soon. Telling us constantly will not make us give any more of a shit.
3. We don’t need anymore reasons to drink
Our sporting teams give us enough of those. If they aren’t around, our friends are there for backup. A drunk who is drinking over a woman is the saddest kind of creature. Seeing that is like watching the twin towers fall; it hurts the heart. It is never fun being around those guys either. How many parties have been ruined by the sad drunk, I ask? And how long we allow this douchebaggery to continue?!
4. Feelings are fucking stupid
Don’t give me shit for this; I’m just stating what every other man is thinking. Does anyone ever wonder why it is so hard for a man to get in touch with his feminine side? Because it is not fucking natural. Men are meant to be unthinking, unfeeling, brutish bastards. Embrace your destiny. Go pee on something and claim it as yours.
5. You can’t trust a woman
If anyone ever told you that you could, it was probably a woman and she was lying to you. Don’t believe me? Check your mouth for a hook and a piece of meat, because you have been reeled in buddy. Free yourselves, brothers, before you end up as shark chum on the end of some stupid whore’s rich-man fishing line.
6. Female logic is not scientific
It is downright absurd in most cases. I mean, seriously, from a race of humanoids that carry around tiny dogs in pink purses, everything must be taken with a grain of salt. The questions they ask are foolish and often leave the men who are subjected to it dumbfounded. We don’t refrain from answering because we don’t know, we don’t answer because idiocy is contagious.
7. Women worry about the stupidest shit
“Don’t go outside, it’s cold!” Fuck that, not as cold as your iced-over heart. It never ceases to amaze me the way a woman will drag a man’s very soul through the depths of hell then still worry about his physical well-being. What the fuck? Leave us alone to die if we want to, bitch. No, wait… I get it now. You would rather have us suffer until were old. Devious indeed.
8. Domestication = cutting off your balls
Just like a horse that has been beaten everyday for years; a man too can have his spirit broken. We all know men who were once wild party animals that have now become lame house husbands. I have many friends like this. It is almost like they have died. I’ll miss you guys.
9. You’re better off alone anyways
No one needs a girlfriend. In the words of Foamy, our great lord and master, “Having a girlfriend does not make you cool.” If you are one of those people who need a significant other to make you feel “complete”, kill yourself now. It is a far less cruel fate than the one you are walking blindly into right now.
Note to women; this is all a big joke.
