This weeks top nine list is a compilation of things I find annoying on the internet. If you find yourself or a group you represent on this list, which you probably will, just remember; I have no further comment.
1. Mac users
I know, most Mac users are “Happy with their computers” but that is because they don’t have a PC. I would be happy with a Honda until I got a Lexus. Also, if I have to watch one more of those stupid “Mac vs. PC” commercials with the old man and the trendy younger gay-looking idiot frat boy, I am going to shoot Steve Jobs in his fucking head.
2. Europeans
Especially the ones who blame all of the world’s problems on America and thus all Americans as well. You people know who you are. You’re just lucky there was no internet during WWII. Enough said there.
3. Fanboys
These bastards are easy to spot. Whether it is Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, PS3, or Xbox, everywhere you go on the internet you can find two people arguing over fucking brand names. These people need to be taken out and shot. If a game is good, play it. If a movie is good, watch it. Just because one television show is good it does not mean that all the others suck. Write that down.
4. Religious Debate
We now come to the argument that can never be won but will forever be fought. First some asshole Christian has to mention his belief that no one can be saved without Jesus, and then an atheist will respond with a 50 page essay about the dangers of religion, and after that everyone chimes in with bullshit opinions and half assed truths and all hell breaks loose. Everyone except the Buddhists. Somehow, I think 90% of them have no idea what they are supposed to believe and just took the title to be “cool” and “different”. Fucking hippies.
5. Nigerian Spam
Ok, show of hands; how many people here actually know where Nigeria is? How the fuck did they get the internet? I thought they were poor? Also, who are these people that actually fall for those stupid “my-client-just-died-now-I-will-give-you-one-million-dollars-for-free” emails? Anyways, we all know there is only one possible solution to this particular problem; baseball bats, Conan swords, and plane tickets to Africa.
6. The dangers of surfing porn
Why does the best thing about being online also have to be the most perilous? There used to be an unwritten rule amongst men that you just do not fuck with another man's porn. These days you are lucky if a 15 minute masturbation session surfing your favorite porn sites won’t earn you three hours of computer clean up time. This is proof that if there is a god it’s most likely a vindictive woman.
7. Advertisements with sound
This is an all too familiar problem for the folks reading this. It’s late and your house is dark and quiet. You’re clicking wildly all over the net trying to find something cool when all of a sudden a buzzing noise knocks you halfway out of your chair, forcing you to spill hot coffee all over your crotch making your sperm count low. Whoever the mastermind was behind these advertisements should be hunted down and killed like the animal he or she is. Preferably tortured first. For a long time. A very long time.
8. Internet dating
These people are the worst. “I’m going to find love on the intraweb!:)” Excuse me while I puke. If you can not physically have sex with a woman, and if she does not feed you regularly, she is not your girlfriend. The very term “Internet girlfriend” is a scar on the face of the English language. If you are one of these assholes with a girlfriend online because you can’t find one in real life, pick up the nearest bottle of ever clear, douse yourself with it, and do us all a favor by lighting a match. Please instruct your significant other to do the same.
9. LoL
Everyone knows you aren’t laughing, so why feel the need to lie about it? Anymore, it is only used as a response to break awkward silence during IM conversations and when someone wants to be overly sarcastic on a message board. It is a good thing this phrase is not usable in real life. Homicide and assault rates would soar, punches in the face would be up 75%, and prison ass rapings would take on a whole new dimension of sickness.
I will leave you with that image. Thank you for reading.