"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno
"The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson. In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refueling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists [on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart
"For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno
"On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien
"Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart
"And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't." --Jay Leno
"This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien