"McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I'm running because my wife wants another house." -Bill Maher
"Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?" -Jimmy Kimmel
"You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready." -David Letterman
"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she's never been to the Deep South." -Conan O'Brien
"As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam." -Jay Leno
"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." -Bill Maher
There was a story going around that said Oprah doesn't want to have Sarah Palin on her show. Oprah claims there have been absolutely no discussions about having Palin on, but that she would love to after the campaign is over. Apparently, between 'Nate Berkus' Bathroom Makeovers' and 'The Best Jeans for Curvy Women,' they're all booked up. They don't have a slot open. It has nothing to do with Obama." -Jimmy Kimmel
"John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go." -David Letterman
"Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care." -Jay Leno
"I'm sure the change that John McCain wants to bring is very different from the change George Bush wanted to bring [on screen: video montage of speeches from Bush in 2000 and McCain this year talking about various ways of changing Washington -- all of them mirror each other]. Things are really going to be different now." -Jon Stewart