"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It`s so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can`t get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman
"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush`s daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, `I haven`t cried that much since Steve left `Blues Clues.`` --Conan O`Brien
"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it`s over. And Hillary`s people said it`s not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, `There`s a fat lady? Where?`" --Jay Leno
"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won`t quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won`t quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won`t quit. And they`re running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that`s called `W.` Yeah. He`s also making a movie about John McCain called `No Country for Old Men.`" --Conan O`Brien
"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, `Ma`am, it`s 3:00, we`re closing.` In fact, you hear Hillary`s new slogan? `I`m just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.`" --Jay Leno
"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that`s not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, `He`s way too young for me.`" --Jay Leno
