"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno
"In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. That's right. Yeah, Mugabe said he got this idea from Hillary Clinton. Apparently, it's a good idea." --Conan O'Brien
"Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on YouTube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno