"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don`t want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher
"A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their religion." --Jay Leno
"How about the presidential race? It`s really interesting, isn`t it? I mean usually, it`s sort of interesting, and then toward the end it just gets plain dull. But so far, it`s pretty interesting. And the election is just three years away." --David Letterman
"Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary `I Might Be a Redneck` Clinton, you know, she`s backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She`s backed off that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it`s true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said `Ooh stop, you`re making me hot.`" --David Letterman
"And you know, the pope is in town. That`s kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don`t think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, `What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.`" --Jay Leno
"But I didn`t realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman
"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a `Gas Tax Holiday.` For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, `Grandpa is giving you $5.`" --Bill Maher
