"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers
"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler
"More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno
"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien
"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher
"Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton's campaign office in Terre Haute, Indiana? You know, I knew Hillary's campaign was facing financial trouble. When you're burning the building down for the insurance money, that's not a good sign. Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily, she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, then go back and rescue three puppies. So that worked out." --Jay Leno
"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher