"Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It's unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in Texas, the Democratic Party -- it's just unbelievable. To give you an idea how bad the Democrats are doing, in a stunning reversal, John McCain now 10% ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7% ahead of Barack Obama. And this is after Iraq, a recession, and no health care. Imagine how far ahead he'd be if the Republicans had actually done something." --Jay Leno
"A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. ... A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, 'How much wine have they had?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages." --Bill Maher
"President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno
"In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds, with gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur." --Conan O'Brien
"New York's new governor, David Paterson, he made history this week. He's black, he's blind and he's hornier than the last guy. ... He hadn't taken his hand off the Bible when they swore him in before he admitted to having multiple affairs. See, this is what women don't get about the male sex drive. He was blind and he still wanted to see other people." --Bill Maher
"Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, 'Dog, it's just not working for me.'" --Jay Leno
"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien
"The good news is ... on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. ... The bad news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's hooker on 'Girls Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher