A Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody! Amazing, over 300 sober people. You never see that on St. Patrick's Day. Everybody's wearing green. The only place you didn't see any green today, Wall Street." --Jay Leno
"Another political sex scandal in the New York area in the papers today. Unbelievable what's going on lately. This is the latest. A man who used to be the chauffeur for New Jersey's former governor, Jim McGreevey, is claiming that he used to have three-way sex with McGreevy and his wife. Yeah. True story. When asked about it, McGreevey said, 'That's a lie. I would never have had sex with my wife.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Governor Spitzer of New York officially, who officially resigned today has got more problems, because they're now saying he spent thousands of dollars on these prostitutes and tried to make it look like a legitimate expense. Yeah, yeah. Like after he had sex with them, he'd make the hooker go out and fix a pothole." --Jay Leno
"It was an exciting day up in Albany. At the governor's mansion earlier today, women were outside of the governor's mansion wearing buttons that read 'Kiss me, I'm $4,000.'" --David Letterman
"And then, of course, more news on the Spitzer scandal. It was reported today that the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal also had sex with Charlie Sheen. When asked about it, Sheen said, 'Hey, she's a prostitute, I'm Charlie Sheen, it was bound to happen'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary Clinton, hard at work campaigning today. That's right. Today, Hillary Clinton said that the war would end up costing $1 trillion. Hillary wasn't talking about Iraq. She was talking about her war with Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien
"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish." --David Letterman
"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. " --David Letterman