"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers
"A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a 'monster.' Responded, Hillary: 'Arghhh.'" --Amy Poehler
"Apparently negative is the new positive. Now the media is trying to goad Barack Obama into taking the gloves off. And I'm not so sure this strategy is any good, you know, having a young black man attack a 60-year-old white lady? She loves to play the victim. She's already got a new slogan, 'Hillary Clinton: Please, just take my purse and leave me alone.'" --Bill Maher
"Also eliminated last night, Congressman Ron Paul, of Texas, says he's winding down his presidential campaign. His supporter is devastated. Ron says he's looking forward, though, to spending more time with his wife Mrs. Paul, and her delicious pre-packaged seafood products." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers