More silly stuff from the British comic Viz. Some letters:
According to the BBC website, `cocaine users are getting younger`. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I`ve found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I`m going to give them a bash. (Simon Halliday)
I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture. (Peter Roeth)
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. (Johnny Pring)
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that`s a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. (M Lovejoy)
I knitted a jumper for my husband this Christmas, but I couldn`t shake off a nagging feeling that I`d gone wrong somewhere. I was sure it was the right size and his favourite colour. I realised my mistake when I came to give it him his gift on Christmas Day - I suddenly remembered that he died in 1973.
(Dolly Churchill, London)
How can police go around arresting people based on DNA evidence when we share 98% of our DNA with chimps? It might be chimps going around committing all the crimes.
(H Montgomerie, Luton)
I have just returned home after watching Oliver Stone`s new flick World Trade Centre, and I have to say I was a little disappointed by the storyline. Two planes crashing into the Twin Towers... on the same day. It`s a bit far-fetched. (Lee Lyons)
My sides were aching after I went to see comedian Jimmy Carr recently. Whilst walking out of the theatre half way through the show, I fell down the stairs and cracked two ribs.
(Eric Todd, Hull)
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What`s healthy about that?
(Mark J, Barnsley)
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
(Warren)
THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I`ve got nothing to eat my dinner with.
(Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire)
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
(Neil Palmer)
I WAS devastated when my doctor told me that I had just a week to live. Then I remembered that I am a mayfly, and a week was equivalent to a human being living for 500 years. So I cheered up immeasurably.
(K Lampard, Stoke)
I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I wasn`t covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the side with a key.
(Christina Martin)
In Charlie and the Chocolate factory, was nobody even a little bit suspicious that, after 20 years in bed, Grandpa Jo jumped to his feet and danced about like Fred Astaire when he got offered a free meal ticket? Lazy fuck.
(Graeme Patterson)
ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine fucking was. (J Downing, Stoke on Trent)
Tips:
MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It`s more comfortable and you`ll be able to watch TV and use the internet.
RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.
FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.
TRAMPS. Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.
PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase `he/she will be five next birthday` involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.
BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the `Fiction` section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.
ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives` tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated.
CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.
BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your `friendly fire` tactics, the war should be over in days.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the `toast always lands butter side down` myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera`s red-eye reduction feature.