1. It tries to keep boobies hidden away
I need to see boobies. Without them life pretty much isn’t worth living. If Islam is your religion of choice, you might as well toss in the towel son, the boob train doesn’t stop at your station. Personally, I would not join any religion that can’t promise me many nude women in the very near future.
2. No bacon?
Bacon is the greatest stuff in the world. No food in this universe matches its immense flavor. I have said this before and I will stand by it to my death: never trust a man who doesn’t love bacon. It is the essence all chi derives energy from. Without it, the earth would stop spinning and careen into the sun. We would all die and it would suck.
3. Praying three times a day is annoying
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like having to pray even once ever, forget about three times a day. Most of us don’t have that kind of time. And what happens if you screw up and pray in the wrong direction? (Allah must have a condo in the east) Does the village get to stone you?
4. There was only one Mohammed, and his name was Ali…
I will recognize the existence of no other! If this guy they talk about didn’t knock out George Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle, then I don’t want to hear how great he was.
5. It doesn’t teach you Kung Fu
If you feel the need to join a religion, make sure it is one that will teach you Kung Fu. Any religion that shows you how to kick ass to protect your inner peace is a good and sensible one. To be clear, strapping a bomb to yourself and blowing people up is not Kung Fu.
6. It doesn’t recognize the greatness of Captain America
This is a problem with a lot of religions out there; they hate freedom. Steve Rogers stood for everything that was good about the human character. (Stuff like killing Nazis, drinking milk, and killing more Nazis) He beat down the Hulk on many occasions. There is no debate here: he is a god if there ever was one.
7. Muslims do not make a good dark ale
They don’t even make a decent cheap Pilsner. When I see stuff like that from people it makes me wonder what the hell they are doing with their time. Not making beer… that’s for sure. I, for one, am just not sure I could live in a society that does not spend a decent allotment of time creating quality beer. It’s just not how things should work.
8. A Muslim guy Jewed me once…
There are so many things wrong with that statement. I have indeed taken things too far this time. No amount of explaining can atone for that sentence. It describes itself, and some may believe the author as well. Before you even think it, I will admit to being a dirty racist bastard for even thinking number 8 up and go about my business with number 9…
9. It lies about the virgin thing…
And even if it doesn’t, what the fuck are you going to do with 72 virgins anyways? I would rather have 72 whores who know how to ride the cock. Besides, you would be dead by that time, so it wouldn’t matter anyways. If they could offer such a deal without the death part, they would sell a lot more tickets to Mecca.
Note to Muslim people: I don’t hate your religion any more or less than I hate all the religions in this world. Except, of course, Buddhism and the good folks who practice Voodoo and Santeria.