1. New masturbation material
We all like to think naughty things go on in the women’s jail. Add Paris Hilton to that fantasy and you got pure masturbation goodness. In my world, it has already happened…
2. That old monster jealousy
Not everyone can be born rich. For those of us who weren’t, it’s always fun to see a spoiled little cunt forced to spend some time in the big house. It’s wrong, I know.
Wait, no it isn’t. I hope she gets raped.
3. She could use three meals a day
They feed you in jail. Paris looks like she could use some nourishment. I’m sure a few soggy bologna sandwiches could put a little meat on that boney ass. She might even get buff hanging in the yard as long as she doesn’t get shanked.
4. Think of the dogs that will be saved!
Somewhere, a small dog is counting the days until he can escape the pink purse he calls his own personal hell. Sure, he is nice to her now. Wait till she is gone. His plan is to piss all over her room and hit the road. If you happen to see a Chihuahua wandering the streets with a huge, unnatural smile on his face; give him a dog biscuit. He deserves it.
5. Her porn sucked
She should do 30 days for that alone. There was so much potential there that was just squandered. The first part of the damn thing bordered on raccoon porn. How many guys downloaded it only to lose their erection when she answered the phone? Karma is a bitch, Paris. You deserve what you get. Don’t ever fuck with the collective erection of the World Wide Web.
6. So the media will shut up about her
I can’t be the only one sick of hearing about her. Who are these people that call themselves reporters writing all these stories? Are they minions of the Hilton family? If you thought Anna Nicole was done to death, (HA!)… you know, I don’t even have a second part to this sentence. It doesn’t need one.
7. The off-chance I might see her picking up trash
Just the thought of a picture of Paris with a shitty diaper on the end of a stick is enough to make me piss in my Wolverine boxers.
8. Knowing she will have to clean a toilet
That’s right; in jail they make you clean your own toilet. Nothing in this world would be funnier than seeing Paris polishing a pooh-pot in the penn. Say that five times fast.
9. I just really hate her
And you know you do too. Remember, there is no shame in hating Paris Hilton. It is our nature to hate her kind. By “our’ I mean “Human” and by "her kind" I mean dirty whores.