While it is true that I am no Tucker Max, I have had my fair share of experience with women. I have learned a few things in my last sixteen years dealing with the opposite sex in matters of relations, both carnal and on a friendship basis. A woman who is a friend will tell you things a prospective girlfriend won’t. I decided to put together this list in hopes of enlightening my fellow man on some of the things I have learned.
Please note that I in no way claim to understand the female species. I would be a rotten liar if I claimed such to be true.
1. Calling back: The three day rule
This rule has become arcane with the advent of the text message. Women move fast these days: you got to be on your game. If you get a number, send her a text message the next night. Make it quick and simple: don’t write a book. For some strange reason, women love text messages more than they do pink things.
2. Paying attention
This is important. When she is talking, look her in the eye and smile. Not like you're about to enter into a pride fight with her either. Make sure you remember what she says so you can bring up key points later. This shows a woman you actually care what she has to say even if you don’t. Major points will be scored. We’re talking touchdown here, not field goal.
3. The issue of sensitivity
Any woman that says she likes a sensitive man is either a liar or too weird to consider pursuing. If you think something is kind of fruity don’t be afraid to speak up. Example: if she says’ “Oh, look at that puppy, isn’t it cute?” tell her “He’s worthless until he is full grown and can eat a burglar.” Be a man about it. Women like men.
4. Availability
Never be available for a woman all the time. If she really needs you, sure, be there. Otherwise, make sure at least 1/3 of the time she calls you have to call her back because you are busy, even if you aren’t. Women want men with their own lives. If she wants to know what your doing, tell her you are killing commies or being attacked by ninja and have to call her back.
5. Truthfulness
Never tell a woman everything about you. Leave a lot of room for mystery. Make sure there are some things you just don’t want to talk about. Make sure there is a lot you simply don’t tell her. Some things she just doesn’t need to know. If you keep her guessing a bit, you will keep her interested. Note: Don’t lie, just omit.
6. Commitment
Never be too quick to jump into a relationship. The trick is to chase her at first then turn the tables and make her chase you a little bit. Women always want what they can’t have. If a chick has a choice between a nice guy who they can have at any time and an asshole who is making them work for it, they always choose the asshole. This is how the universe works. Don’t question the force.
7. Movies
For every chick flick she makes you watch, make her watch Fight Club. Show her you have the primal instincts of a real man. HOWEVER… Do not discuss this movie with a woman. You know the rules. If we find out you did, we are going to have to take your balls.
8. Involving her in everything you do
Some places in your life, suffice it to say, women just do not belong. Don’t take your chick fishing with your boys. (Yes, Ricky, I’m talking to you. There is a reason she dropped the Power Bait in the water. SHE DIDN”T BELONG THERE!) This is less of a way to score with a chick and more of something every man should just know.
9. Don’t skimp on the crude humor
This is a new millennium; the fifties are over. Women nowadays can laugh at dead baby jokes. Crude humor actually turns most women on deep down. Most women will giggle at such jokes and may playfully slap you and say “Oh my god!” Whatever, she laughed. Getting a laugh out of a woman works more in your favor than a hundred orgasms. Don’t be a pussy just because your girl is around.