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Video:
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can`t get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That`s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That`s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Q: Why couldn`t Michael Jackson afford to keep Neverland Ranch? A: Because of soaring incest rates.
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day`s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I`m heading, I don`t think I ought to aggravate anybody."
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I`m a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex. Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he`s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs.
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I`m afraid I`m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog`s tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law`s arriving tomorrow, and I don`t want anything to make her think she`s welcome."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn`t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don`t park here, I`ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I`ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don`t give you a ticket, I`ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
