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1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he`s got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn`t care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Many years ago, a baker`s assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I`ll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn`t you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.`"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes to his apartment to check on him, and sure enough, she opens the door to find him in the arms of a buxom redhead. The blonde is furious and shattered by his utter duplicity. Overcome with emotion, she brings out a gun and points it at her own temple. The boyfriend yells "No, don't do it! I'm sorry! I love you!" She cocks the hammer and screams, "Shut up! You're next!"
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I`ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn`t you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
A fellow was sitting in the doctor`s waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I`m sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn`t stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I`d hate to be well and feel like this."
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk`s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we`ve had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That`s the one!" That`s great!" the manager cried, "I thought we`d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we`ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they`re escaping!" cries the visitor. "You`ve got to stop them." "Don`t worry, they`ll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o`clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I`m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don`t see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I`m in the secret service."
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown`s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." This news saddened the clown immensely. "I can`t play fetch with my dog!" said the clown, holding back tears. "Why not?" asked the doctor. The clown replied, "Don`t be silly! He can`t throw!"
