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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky`s face dropped as the guest called out, "It`s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma`s hairs are white?"
1. When you get pulled over, say "What`s wrong, ossifer, there`s no blood in my alcohol!" 2. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70. 3. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet. 4. Trip and fall into him. 5. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 6. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 7. Try to sell him your car. 8. Ask if you can buy his car. 9. Tell him you like men in uniform. 10. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" "No, sir", the man replied, "I`m just standing for my wife`s first husband!"
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman. She looked the man sternly and said, "I`ve got news for you young man - you`re going straight to hell!" The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I`m on the wrong bus!"
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out. "I don`t know how to thank you, doc...", his mother started. "I`m not a doctor", the man replied, "I`m from the IRS".
How do you know you`ve met a good tax accountant? He has a loophole named after him.
"Why are you moving? You have arrived to this lovely neighborhood just a few weeks ago." "Yes, but I read in the local paper a bit of statistics that said, `most auto accidents happen within eight miles of your home`."
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE 2. You watched the Pound Puppies 3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton Dance 4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy 5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own. 6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls 7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom 8. Two words: Hammer Pants 9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock" 10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect 11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!) 12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons 13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head 14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen...and still know the turtles names 15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school 16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side 17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House) 18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it 19. L.A. Gear....need I say more? 20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.) 21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books 22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF" 23. You wanted to be a Goonie 24. You ever wore fluorescent neon clothing (some of us...head-to-toe) 25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted 26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf 27. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard 28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets 29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence 30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts 31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band 32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up. 33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets. 34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly shoes. 35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?" 36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up" 37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates. 38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide. 39. You have ever played with a Skip-It. 40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds. 41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement. 42. You remember Popples 43. Don't worry, be happy 44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks. 45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do..getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family) 46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that. 47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies. 48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!" 49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales 50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot 51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac 52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB" 53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class 54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - > YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME 55. You just sang those words to yourself 56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird 57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better) 58. You remember when mullets were cool! 59. You had a mullet! 60. You still sing "We are the World" 61. You tight rolled (pegged) your jeans 62. You owned a banana clip 63. You remember "Where's the Beef?" 64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis? 65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it 66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!
More silly stuff from the British comic Viz. Some letters: KEEP a copy of Love Actually or Mrs Doubtfire in your medicine cabinet at home. The last five minutes of these films can induce vomiting if toxic substances have accidentally been swallowed. (T Crone, Louth) FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don`t sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet. (Macker) PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn`t just looking up the answer on the Internet? (DNC, London) I saw a few weeks ago that a man had been arrested trying to smuggle 2 kilograms of cocaine into the USA. Then last week I heard a man got arrested trying to smuggle 10 kilograms of cocaine out of the USA. I wish they`d make their minds up, do they want the stuff or not? (Pete T) My teachers told me I would never make anything of myself if I sat staring into space during lessons. However, I had the last laugh as I am now the Astronomer Royal. (Martin Rees, Greenwich) On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked `What `C` would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?` to which I confidently replied `cunt`. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one`s family? (Noel, Leeds) Tips: Climb onto your neighbour`s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He`ll think his house is underwater. Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don`t, because you can`t and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You`ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously `erased`. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary A next door neighbour`s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you`ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don`t know. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Make your girlfriend cry when you`re having sex by phoning her up and telling her. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
