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While shopping for a CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalities on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does `hybrid pulse D/A converter` mean?" That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can`t swim. Please save her. I`ll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where`s my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
General Motors doesn`t have a "help line" for people who don`t know how to drive, because people don`t buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did... HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won`t go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?" HELPLINE: "There`s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from `E` to `F.` Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It`s pointing to `E.` What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. He replied, "Well, you haven`t used the gift I gave you last year."
Q: Why doesn`t Jesus like M&Ms A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews. One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers` deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi`s honesty and integrity, the temple`s membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words." After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don`t want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I`m not hungry! I don`t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it`s that time of the month."
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil`s hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I`ll let you pick your own room from three I`ll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don`t like that," said the man. "Show me the second." In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that`s better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I`ll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I`m rechecking my answers."
A young woman really thought she`d been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
