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One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’'
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork `s hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, `Lets be avin` da fingers and I`ll see what oi can do`. Paddy said, `Oi haven`t got da fingers.` `Whadda ya mean you haven`t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin` Jesus, it`s 2009! We`s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn`t ya bring da fingers?!?` And Paddy said, `An how da fock was I `spose to pick them up????
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 2nd Child: Why are you crying? 1st Child: I came here for a blood test. 2nd Child: So? Are you afraid? 1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. At this, the second one started crying profusely. The first one was astonished. 1st Child: Why are you crying now? 2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
1. “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.” 2. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” 3. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” 4. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” 5. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” 6. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?” 7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” 8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?” 9. “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’ 10. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: See you next month
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?" "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn`t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I`ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don`t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
