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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this' Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?' Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'
Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
- His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh - The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh - The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh - The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh - The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh - His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh - His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh - The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh - The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh - The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh - The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh - The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh - His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh - The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh - An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh - The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh - A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh - And his niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh
- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. - In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. - We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. - We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. - We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. - We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. - We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?'.I asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
