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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue. The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in Africa." The sister said, "Very good then." The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly." The sister replied, "Good job to you." The third girl said, "I don`t have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute." Sister Marie fainted on the floor. The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money." The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"
Watch out for these viruses. They could be very destructive to your computer: Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it`s a MAC Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn`t care Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card Paris Hilton Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 300GB AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you`re paying too much for the AT&T Virus Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town`s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn`t you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, "Make me one with everything." The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, "Change comes from within." With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man`s response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?" The young sailor said, "I`d grab a torpedo and sink it." "Where would you get the torpedo?" "The same place you got your battleship!"
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What`s the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klotschtein."
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine`s day. What do you think it means?" "You`ll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can`t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Cats aren`t clean, they`re just covered with cat spit. - Cats don`t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don`t, so that`s all right. - Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. - Cats know what we feel. They don`t care, but they know. - Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. - Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. - I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!
