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Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn`t want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It`s gone! It`s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, `Take what you want.`" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn`t have fit."
- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF - "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal - "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual - "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance - "Bravery is being the only one who knows you`re afraid." - "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF - "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan - "You`ve never been lost until you`ve been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) - "The only time you have too much fuel is when you`re on fire." - "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor - "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it`s probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." - "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years and years after its been eaten. Its called wedding cake.
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God`s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don`t you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren`t you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain`t," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren`t you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he`d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don`t have to worry about them now because I`ve just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you`d shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I`ve got to take you in, pal. You`re obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I`m drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I`m sure," said the copper. "Let`s go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.