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1. Your beer is not better than ours I hate to be the one to break this to the Germans, but Colorado has better beer. Here is a link to a list of Colorado Breweries.. There should be no more argument on this subject. If so, the rules state there has to be a drink-off. It will be me and some chicks versus some foreign guy and some chicks. Challenger buys. 2. Your chicks may be skinnier, but ours have bigger boobs Boobs are what matter the most. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Although I do agree that Brazil kicks America’s ass when it comes to hot chicks... and European women are much more open about sex... and most foreign women like American dudes while the opposite is true here... wait, there was a point here and I think I broke it... 3. Fuck soccer Girls play soccer. It’s not called football, it is called soccer. There is a reason the Vince Lombardi trophy is not awarded to the winner of the world cup. Vince was a man who only stood for man stuff, like football and running until you pee blood. Soccer players don’t pee blood. They pee horseradish. I’ve seen it... 4. Red Foreman was an American So were Thomas Jefferson, The Rock, Hunter S Thompson, and Richard Pryor. Don’t get me wrong, there are cool guys in the rest of the world. Just not as many. What’s that you say? You don’t think The Rock belongs on that list? The Rock wipes a monkey’s ass with what you think. Oh yeah, and we’re taking Sean Connery. I claim him for America. Don’t dispute me. I’ll sick my monkey on you bastards! 5. 90% of the time, your country sucks worse than ours I always find it funny when some asshole starts yammering on about how America sucks and when you ask him where he lives he says some shit like “France”. France has no room to talk about anyone else. At least the United States doesn’t have rioting going on in the streets and stupid guys named “Pierre” walking around drinking wine and speaking French. Maybe we do, but those guys get their asses kicked here. Unless they are Canadians, in which case it’s best to leave them alone during hockey season. 6. Your leaders don’t stand up to Bush… We don’t allow dictators to terrorize the rest of the world, so why does the rest of the world stand idly by and allow them to terrorize us? A sarcastic thanks goes out for all the actual help the rest of the world has given us agaisnt Bush. I guess taking out that Hitler guy must have been a freebie or something... speaking of Hitler... 7. WWI and II We stopped the Germans from taking over the world. TWICE. This earth would be a lot worse of a place if it weren’t for the USA. German beer for all? We already discussed that in the first entry. Shizer porn everywhere? I’ll pass. The rest of the world can go ahead though; America is not here to judge. 8. Freedom Not everybody has freedom. When someone doesn’t have freedom, they get mad at America for having it. What they don’t know is we get searched by cops for no reason, harassed by airport security at every turn, and lied to by our officials about everything they know. People without freedom: don’t hate America! We don’t have freedom either. 9. In the end, we are all products of the rest of the world anyways... Only the Native Americans have no roots somewhere in the rest of the world. If anyone should be hating people in this world, it should be the god damn Indians hating the rest of the world for what they sent over here. Look at the mess you people caused over here. It used to be a nice forest. Shame...
9 Reasons To Hate XmasThose stupid car commercialsWho buys their wife a fucking Lexus for Xmas? Only a guy who got caught shagging his secretary last weekend would pull something like that. No pussy is that good. RelationshipsAnyone who is over 25 and single will understand this; Xmas is the time of year your friends and family who are around your age and already married will always ask you when you are going to “meet that special someone”. Fuck that, they are just trying to drag you into their misery. When they aren’t looking, piss all over their curtains. Everything has to look like XmasWhy is Santa outside the grocery store begging for change? No doubt Google will be festive as always this holiday season. Everywhere you go you will be reminded it’s Xmas. No one can escape the wicked reach of the evil hybrid Santa Clause /baby Jesus /consumerism Xmas spirit. Don’t let folks catch you without the festive spirit either, nothing is worse than being chased down by a mob of red and green clad over-sized elves all hyped up on the spirit of Saint Nick and a strong eggnog /rum mix. We have heard all the Xmas music alreadyWhy is it around this time of year the latest pop crazed band or singer has to release an album full of Xmas songs? You would think people would be sick of them by now, they are the same shit every year. Everyone has heard them all before. The worst part is they run through your head for hours upon hours after you were unfortunate enough to catch one playing somewhere, making you want to rip your eardrums out with a spork from Taco Bell. Santa Claus is a dirty lieIt is a fairy tail told to little kids to explain why they didn’t get everything they wanted, because most little kids are really rotten inside. The parents can just say “Oh, I guess you weren’t a good enough person to get that this year”, all the while covering for the fact that they were either too cheap or too slow to get them the latest fare from the world of trendy marketing. Screw the baby JesusThis is the worst time of the year to be an atheist. There is no escaping the religious overtones of this evil holiday. The propaganda is everywhere. It is biased in its very name. It was originally a pagan holiday, but nobody cares about that anymore. Some more religious folk will beat you senseless for even the very mention of that fact.Xmas movies suckThe same plot, over and over again. Oh look, it’s Xmas, everyone is happy. Oh no, look, something is going to ruin Xmas. Wait, no, Xmas is saved! Sprinkle in a couple of out-of-work semi-recognizable actors and you got the plot for every Xmas movie or seasonable television show ever made. Shopping is hellTis the season where otherwise peaceful soccer moms will kill you with their SUV’s over a parking spot ten feet closer to the entrance of the mall. Every place you go is packed with long lines and few cashiers. The roads are full of crazed shoppers trying to get through the stoplight five seconds quicker than everyone else. You are better off just starving in your basement until the new year. One day, Sony will buy it all anywaysYes, mark my words. The year will arrive when the PS15 can’t be produced in time for December 25th and Sony will immediately buy the rights to Xmas and move it to January 5th. To be fair, I think the Super Bowl will go before Xmas, but in the end, it’s all going to be for sale someday.
This weeks top nine list is a compilation of things I find annoying on the internet. If you find yourself or a group you represent on this list, which you probably will, just remember; I have no further comment.1. Mac usersI know, most Mac users are “Happy with their computers” but that is because they don’t have a PC. I would be happy with a Honda until I got a Lexus. Also, if I have to watch one more of those stupid “Mac vs. PC” commercials with the old man and the trendy younger gay-looking idiot frat boy, I am going to shoot Steve Jobs in his fucking head. 2. EuropeansEspecially the ones who blame all of the world’s problems on America and thus all Americans as well. You people know who you are. You’re just lucky there was no internet during WWII. Enough said there. 3. FanboysThese bastards are easy to spot. Whether it is Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, PS3, or Xbox, everywhere you go on the internet you can find two people arguing over fucking brand names. These people need to be taken out and shot. If a game is good, play it. If a movie is good, watch it. Just because one television show is good it does not mean that all the others suck. Write that down.4. Religious DebateWe now come to the argument that can never be won but will forever be fought. First some asshole Christian has to mention his belief that no one can be saved without Jesus, and then an atheist will respond with a 50 page essay about the dangers of religion, and after that everyone chimes in with bullshit opinions and half assed truths and all hell breaks loose. Everyone except the Buddhists. Somehow, I think 90% of them have no idea what they are supposed to believe and just took the title to be “cool” and “different”. Fucking hippies. 5. Nigerian SpamOk, show of hands; how many people here actually know where Nigeria is? How the fuck did they get the internet? I thought they were poor? Also, who are these people that actually fall for those stupid “my-client-just-died-now-I-will-give-you-one-million-dollars-for-free” emails? Anyways, we all know there is only one possible solution to this particular problem; baseball bats, Conan swords, and plane tickets to Africa.6. The dangers of surfing pornWhy does the best thing about being online also have to be the most perilous? There used to be an unwritten rule amongst men that you just do not fuck with another man's porn. These days you are lucky if a 15 minute masturbation session surfing your favorite porn sites won’t earn you three hours of computer clean up time. This is proof that if there is a god it’s most likely a vindictive woman.7. Advertisements with soundThis is an all too familiar problem for the folks reading this. It’s late and your house is dark and quiet. You’re clicking wildly all over the net trying to find something cool when all of a sudden a buzzing noise knocks you halfway out of your chair, forcing you to spill hot coffee all over your crotch making your sperm count low. Whoever the mastermind was behind these advertisements should be hunted down and killed like the animal he or she is. Preferably tortured first. For a long time. A very long time.8. Internet datingThese people are the worst. “I’m going to find love on the intraweb!:)” Excuse me while I puke. If you can not physically have sex with a woman, and if she does not feed you regularly, she is not your girlfriend. The very term “Internet girlfriend” is a scar on the face of the English language. If you are one of these assholes with a girlfriend online because you can’t find one in real life, pick up the nearest bottle of ever clear, douse yourself with it, and do us all a favor by lighting a match. Please instruct your significant other to do the same.9. LoLEveryone knows you aren’t laughing, so why feel the need to lie about it? Anymore, it is only used as a response to break awkward silence during IM conversations and when someone wants to be overly sarcastic on a message board. It is a good thing this phrase is not usable in real life. Homicide and assault rates would soar, punches in the face would be up 75%, and prison ass rapings would take on a whole new dimension of sickness. I will leave you with that image. Thank you for reading.
NEW YORK - Heath Ledger was found dead Tuesday at a downtown Manhattan residence, and police said drugs may have been a factor. He was 28. NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said Ledger had an appointment for a massage at the Manhattan apartment believed to be his home. The housekeeper who went to let him know the masseuse had arrived found him dead at 3:26 p.m. A large crowd of paparazzi and gawkers began gathering Tuesday evening outside the building on an upscale block in SoHo, where several police officers guarded the door. The Australian-born actor was nominated for an Oscar for "Brokeback Mountain," where he met Michelle Williams in 2005. The two had lived in Brooklyn and had a daughter, Matilda, until they split up last year. He most recently appeared in "I'm Not There," in which he played one of the many incarnations of Bob Dylan — as did Cate Blanchett, whose performance in that film earned an Oscar nomination Tuesday for best supporting actress. Ledger was to appear as the Joker this year in "The Dark Night," a sequel to 2005's "Batman Begins." He's had starring roles in "A Knight's Tale" and "The Patriot," and played the suicidal son of Billy Bob Thornton in "Monster's Ball." Source Jayne is going to be very very upset. =(
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The movie studios may have discovered a new and powerful weapon in their war on copyright infringement. The courts have for the first time found that the electronic trail briefly left in a computer server's RAM, or random access memory, by each visitor to a site is "stored information" and must be turned over as evidence during litigation, according to CNET News. Jacqueline Chooljian, a federal judge in the Central District of California in Los Angeles, issued the decision while presiding over a court fight between the studios and TorrentSpy, the BitTorrent search engine accused of copyright infringement in a lawsuit filed last year by the film industry. On May 29, Chooljian ordered TorrentSpy to begin logging user activity, including IP addresses, and turn the data over to the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). The judge stayed the order on Friday to allow TorrentSpy time to prepare an appeal, which must be filed by Tuesday. She also allowed TorrentSpy to mask the Internet Protocol addresses of the site's users "at least at this juncture." This may be the first time that anyone has argued that information within RAM is electronically stored information and therefore subject to the rules of evidence, Chooljian said according to court records. Up to now, many Web sites that promised users anonymity, such as TorrentSpy, believed they need only to switch off their servers' logging function to avoid storing user data.The judge stayed the order on Friday to allow TorrentSpy time to prepare an appeal, which must be filed by Tuesday. She also allowed TorrentSpy to mask the Internet Protocol addresses of the site's users "at least at this juncture." This may be the first time that anyone has argued that information within RAM is electronically stored information and therefore subject to the rules of evidence, Chooljian said according to court records. Up to now, many Web sites that promised users anonymity, such as TorrentSpy, believed they need only to switch off their servers' logging function to avoid storing user data. Should Chooljian's order stand, the decision could force Web sites to rethink privacy precautions. The Electronic Frontier Foundation called the judge's decision "troubling" and said it could mean that any Web site operator could be compelled to log user activity anytime they faced a lawsuit. In its privacy policy, TorrentSpy pledges not to collect any personal information about users except when they "specifically and knowingly provide such information." But user data was stored at TorrentSpy, according to Chooljian. The judge said in court documents that this information survived on TorrentSpy's server RAM for about six hours. RAM is defined by Chooljian as "a chip where volatile internal memory is stored." The judge agreed with the MPAA that the existence of user data in RAM enabled TorrentSpy to retrieve user information. She also wrote that the data was crucial for getting at the truth in the case, according to records. "There can be no serious dispute that the Server Log Data in issue is extremely relevant," the judge said in her finding. Concealed evidence? In one of the most hotly contested disputes so far in the case, the records show that the MPAA accused TorrentSpy of trying to conceal evidence when the search engine began directing visitors to the servers of an outside vendor. The MPAA claimed that TorrentSpy did this to avoid being in possession of user information as the search engine anticipated receiving a court order, according to records. TorrentSpy denied the accusations and said that the outside vendor was chosen for "significantly faster processing and delivery." Among the arguments TorrentSpy made against turning over logs was that the law only required the company to produce documents already in possession. It did not ask for the creation of new records. But that's exactly what the judge was asking the company to do, TorrentSpy's attorneys asserted in court records. Chooljian disagreed. "Since the information is already in the RAM, then defendants aren't really being asked to create new information," Chooljian wrote. She also noted that it was not her goal to set a far-reaching precedent with her decision. "The court emphasizes that its ruling," Chooljian said in the documents, "should not be read to require litigants in all cases to preserve and produce electronically stored information that is temporarily stored only in RAM." TorrentSpy's other arguments against tracking users were that the costs were too high and that the action would violate user's privacy and hinder free speech. All were rejected. In response to TorrentSpy's free-speech argument, the judge cited other cases that had established illegal file sharing "qualifies for minimal First Amendment protection." Should TorrentSpy lose in appeal, it would likely have seven days to produce data logs, according to the court records. The company's attorney, Ira Rothken, said Friday that it is unlikely TorrentSpy would continue operations in the United States if forced to turn over user data. Source: CNET
Harry Potter author JK Rowling has revealed that one of her characters, Hogwarts school headmaster Albus Dumbledore, is gay. She made her revelation to a packed house in New York's Carnegie Hall on Friday, as part of her US book tour. She took audience questions and was asked if Dumbledore found "true love". "Dumbledore is gay," she said, adding he was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, who he beat in a battle between good and bad wizards long ago. The audience gasped, then applauded. "I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy," she said. "Falling in love can blind us to an extent," she added, saying Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down" and his love for Grindelwald was his "great tragedy". "Oh, my god," Rowling, 42, concluded with a laugh, "the fan fiction". Rowling said her books are a "prolonged argument for tolerance" Fan sites have long speculated on Dumbledore's sexuality as he was known for having a mysterious, troubled past. Rowling told the audience that while working on the planned sixth Potter film, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, she saw the script carried a reference to a girl who was once of interest to Dumbledore. She said she ensured director David Yates was made aware of the truth about her character. Source
First of all, let me just make one thing clear; nobody gives a fuck about how you feel. Everyone’s life sucks sometimes. Also, crying is for girls and Super Bowl losers (the Colts this year). We all know one of these folks that are referred to by the free-thinking populace as “Emos”. Even myself, the rogue pirate ninja who sleeps standing up and only eats broken glass, has a few emo acquaintances. I don’t bring them in public with me and would never bring them around females, but I do know them. Sad, yes, but it is becoming a fact of life for far too many of us.These are the people who show up with fresh cuts on their wrists like it was somehow cool. I mean seriously, what kind of an attention seeking asshole fucks up while trying to do the simple task of just killing themselves? One suicide attempt should be enough for anyone to get the job done. Next time, why not go up the road instead of across the street and do the world a big favor? Is it just me, or am I the only one who notices that these rotten bastards are always rich kids with two parents and nice things? I mean, I can see how some people's lives just suck. You know, the kids in Africa who don’t eat, the little girls in Asia who get raped daily, guys who just lost their wife and kids in a car accident. Those people have a reason to kill themselves. Just because your parents, or someone else in your life, didn’t “understand” you, that is no reason to try to make the lives of those around you miserable with your shitty “the world hates me” attitude.We all have a story about one of these sorry bastards, and now I shall tell mine. There were four of us who lived in a two story house a few summers ago and we liked to party. There was an emo amongst us, who we shall call Kyle (The real Kyle is not an emo, but the type of pirate ninja who will steal your girlfriend’s panties and run around the party waving them like a god damn flag. This is just a pseudonym).Anyway, the rest of us were upstairs drinking large glasses of beer and fully enjoying the festivities at hand. There were plenty of women and everything was good. All of a sudden I noticed that the women were disappearing. After inquiring a passing drunk about where the fuck all the bitches went, I learned that Kyle was in the basement trying to kill himself; all the women were down there trying to talk him out of it. Needless to say, I went down to investigate.I get down to the basement to find this fuck, with a shit eating grin on his face, six or seven girls around him trying to console him, and a butcher knife in his hand. Of course the first words out of my mouth were “What the fuck?!” He proceeded to explain that he just wasn’t happy with his life and was feeling suicidal. I responded by sending the women folk upstairs, taking the knife from him, and threatening the fucker with a right good kicking if he didn’t stop hogging all the bitches. It is amazing how a promise of violence, as opposed to an empty threat of suicide, can make one of these emo shits change their tune right away.The moral of this story is this: Emos need the shit beat out of them. If you are one of these emo fucks, the next time you want to kill yourself take a dive off a skyscraper instead of a bottle of sleeping pills. Do it right. Otherwise, in the immortal words of Eddie Murphy, have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.
Leaving off the most important reason we need them; the vagina. 1. Internet porn / MasturbationWe have too much readily available porn to worry about women anymore. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, they are all here. Good luck finding a woman who will dye her hair and fuck a donkey for your amusement every odd Thursday night. Also remember this; your hand will never, (Unless you are into some sick shit that none of us ever want to know about) cheat on you. 2. We can feel bad about our lives all by ourselvesYes, we all know exactly how long we have been on the computer or playing that new video game we just bought. We know because the woman next to us won’t shut the fuck up about it. We also know that we probably need a new job and should start giving thought to our future soon. Telling us constantly will not make us give any more of a shit.3. We don’t need anymore reasons to drinkOur sporting teams give us enough of those. If they aren’t around, our friends are there for backup. A drunk who is drinking over a woman is the saddest kind of creature. Seeing that is like watching the twin towers fall; it hurts the heart. It is never fun being around those guys either. How many parties have been ruined by the sad drunk, I ask? And how long we allow this douchebaggery to continue?!4. Feelings are fucking stupidDon’t give me shit for this; I’m just stating what every other man is thinking. Does anyone ever wonder why it is so hard for a man to get in touch with his feminine side? Because it is not fucking natural. Men are meant to be unthinking, unfeeling, brutish bastards. Embrace your destiny. Go pee on something and claim it as yours.5. You can’t trust a womanIf anyone ever told you that you could, it was probably a woman and she was lying to you. Don’t believe me? Check your mouth for a hook and a piece of meat, because you have been reeled in buddy. Free yourselves, brothers, before you end up as shark chum on the end of some stupid whore’s rich-man fishing line.6. Female logic is not scientificIt is downright absurd in most cases. I mean, seriously, from a race of humanoids that carry around tiny dogs in pink purses, everything must be taken with a grain of salt. The questions they ask are foolish and often leave the men who are subjected to it dumbfounded. We don’t refrain from answering because we don’t know, we don’t answer because idiocy is contagious. 7. Women worry about the stupidest shit“Don’t go outside, it’s cold!” Fuck that, not as cold as your iced-over heart. It never ceases to amaze me the way a woman will drag a man’s very soul through the depths of hell then still worry about his physical well-being. What the fuck? Leave us alone to die if we want to, bitch. No, wait… I get it now. You would rather have us suffer until were old. Devious indeed. 8. Domestication = cutting off your ballsJust like a horse that has been beaten everyday for years; a man too can have his spirit broken. We all know men who were once wild party animals that have now become lame house husbands. I have many friends like this. It is almost like they have died. I’ll miss you guys. 9. You’re better off alone anywaysNo one needs a girlfriend. In the words of Foamy, our great lord and master, “Having a girlfriend does not make you cool.” If you are one of those people who need a significant other to make you feel “complete”, kill yourself now. It is a far less cruel fate than the one you are walking blindly into right now.Note to women; this is all a big joke.
1. The Bob DoleBefore all is said and done, I will make this one famous. All credit for this must go to the man who created it, for now he shall be known only as “Maples”. I described this tactic once before. Wait until the woman is a few seconds away from an orgasm, stop, look her straight in the eye, and say in a low tone “Bob Dole”. This never fails to end a relationship. 2. The Ninja ScreamThis is done mid-sex. As soon as things get hot and heavy and the girl is getting into it, start pounding her as hard as you can and scream out “NINJA! IM A NINJA!” Immediately after you say this, jump up and start fake fighting an imaginary foe. 3. Yo Querro Taco BellThis one is done while you are eating the pussy. Again, you must wait until she is all hot. The trick to this one is getting that first little scream. You must then stop, look at her and wait for her to look back, smile, and say “Yo querro Taco Bell.” You must then continue on like nothing happened. 4. The “Dwayne Johnson”The great one himself inspired this one. Here is the deal: while in mid stroke, say in a manly voice, “You like this? Want more?” She will start to respond. As soon as she opens up her mouth to say something, cut her off in a loud voice and shout “It doesn’t matter!” 5. The PrimusYou can only pull this one off if your name is not Mud. This one differs from the others also in the fact that it is done right after sex. While you are both basking in the goodness that is the few minutes after sex, tell her your name is Mud using your best Primus voice. When she looks at you funny, continue to go through the rest of the lyrics to the song until she gives up and leaves. 6. Screaming your own nameThe key to doing this one right is to wait until she says your name. As soon as she does this, say “Yeah, ZERO! Fucking ZERO! YOU ROCK!” Substitute my name for your own. 7. The “Chas”This can be pulled off at any time during intercourse. You have to be all into it then all of a sudden get an annoyed look on your face and scream out in the direction of the nearest room, “MOM! MEATLOAF!” Go back to fucking her for a second then get an even more annoyed look and scream it again. 8. The “Jesus”This must be done during the more intimate moments. You know, when she is looking you in the eye with that sweet, chick-like, I-love-you look. Slow things down a bit, stare at her back, and in a girly voice sing “Jesus loves the little children...” 9. The “Arnold”While “Get to the chopper, NOW!” is the best, any of Arnolds catch phrases may be used. In order to make this funny, you must kind of sound like Arnold when you are doing it. Another good one to use is “So, you cook up a story and toss the six of us in a meat grinder?”Feel free to add on to this list in the comments section.
