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One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It`s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my gosh! They`ve found me!" and bolt. - Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. - When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can`t get the darn thing to work. After he/she`s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. - Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. - Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it`s set up with. - Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. - Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. - Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. - Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer`s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy`s password! I know Daddy`s password!" "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It`s in the Bible. God removed Adam`s rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors. Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountians and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endevors. No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said there were too few people supporting the Mac. He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."
- Word processors never display a cursor. - You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. - All monitors display inch-high letters. - High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. - Those that don`t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. - Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. - Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress") - All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain`s desktop computer, even if it`s turned off. - Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn`t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. - All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. - People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3. I will get dressed before noon. 4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 7. I will read a book... if I still remember how. 8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. 12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" * "That`s right, not even McGyver could fix it." * "So -- what are you wearing?" * "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" * "Looks like you`re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap`n." * "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you`re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you`re with the FTC." * "We can fix this, but you`re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." * "In layman`s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." * "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy`s hitting me!" * "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." * "Please hold for Mr. Gates` attorney."
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this. Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you`ll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!] Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost. The Smoking Power Supply
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It`s gone! It`s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
