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Video:

F1 Help

One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied,

"It`s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

• 4.21/5
• 338
• 0
• 2/18/2009
• by TigerRenko

Video:

Which Came First

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It`s in the Bible. God removed Adam`s rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors.

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountians and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endevors.

No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"

• 4.2/5
• 638
• 0
• 2/18/2009
• by TigerRenko

Video:

Computers In Movies

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don`t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain`s desktop computer, even if it`s turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn`t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

• 4.2/5
• 713
• 2
• 11/12/2008
• by TigerRenko

Video:

New Software System (M.Y.A.S.S.)

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system, which will be Year 2000 compliant. Known as: "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate`s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I`m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

• 4.19/5
• 715
• 1
• 4/15/2008
• by master911

Video:

New AOL Messages

Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to signing on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book? 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family member’s names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case; I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

• 4.15/5
• 535
• 1
• 4/15/2008
• by master911

Video:

Internet Test

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet?

Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor?

How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality?

Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:What do you think are good names for children?a) Scott and Jenny.b) Bill Gates IV.c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

What's a telephone?a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.c) Something you plug into a modem.

Which punctuation is most correct?a) I had a wonderful day!b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!c) I had a wonderful day :-) You wake up at 4:00 a.m.

And decide to:a) Visit the washroom.b) Raid the fridge.c) Check your E-mail.

What are RAM and ROM?a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.b) Hulking stars of the WWF.c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

To avoid a virus you should:a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".

c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:a) Ask friends where to purchase it.b) Check out the Yellow Pages.c) Go to Yahoo!

When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:a) Call the retailer.b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

When you want to see all the beautiful people you:a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

How do you introduce yourself at a party?a) Hi, I'm Jane!b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

When you're interested in someone at a party you say:a) Tell me more about yourself.b) What's your star sign?c) What's your Profile?

If you really like the person, you say:a) Could you tell me your phone number?b) What's your E-mail address?c) Let's chat Private.

When I say spam, you think:a) Ham in a can.b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.c) I mailbomb all spammers!

When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:a) I don't need another mug coaster.b) Great!

I'll reformat and use it for backups.c) Great!

I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

When you want to research a reference you:a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

When you write a letter you:a) Put pencil to paper.b) Open Eudora.c) Ask: What's a letter?

Is it like E-mail?

Different types of text formatting include:a) Writing and printing.b) Underline and double-strike.c) Bold and italic.

You correct errors using:a) An eraser.b) White-out.c) Backspace or delete.

You sign your name:a) Best regards, John Smith.b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.

To keep a copy of your letter you:a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.b) Take it to the photocopier.c) Check your Sent Mail folder.SCORING:Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.

If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.

• 4.15/5
• 2172
• 8
• 12/21/2006
• by ratbstard

Video:

Cars vs. Computers part 2

General Motors doesn`t have a "help line" for people who don`t know how to drive, because people don`t buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won`t go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There`s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from `E` to `F.` Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It`s pointing to `E.` What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

• 4.13/5
• 316
• 0
• 5/12/2009
• by TigerRenko

Video:

Girlfriend 1.0, Can you help???

Can anyone help with this software problem my friend is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Tough one? Any suggestions???

• 4.12/5
• 13103
• 38
• 12/14/2005
• by NikNak

Video:

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It`s gone! It`s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

• 4.1/5
• 714
• 1
• 8/4/2008
• by TigerRenko

Video:

Windows Error Messages

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

• 4.08/5
• 207
• 0
• 2/19/2009
• by TigerRenko