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General Motors doesn`t have a "help line" for people who don`t know how to drive, because people don`t buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did... HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won`t go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?" HELPLINE: "There`s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from `E` to `F.` Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It`s pointing to `E.` What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he`s got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn`t care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
- "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment. - Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums. - Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team". - Free netcom account with purchase of big mac. - Gameboy web browsers. - Two words: "Microsoft Network" - Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He`s won the Publisher`s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez," 95 times during the movie, "The Net." 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. 2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." 1. You hear him murmur, "Let`s see you use that Visa card now, fool."
Know why the British don't make computers? They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!
Recently Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them.. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996 ".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world ".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer ".*"--contains gossip about celebrity melt downs ".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. • BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. • Close your eyes and press escape three times. • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. • Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" • Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes failed. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car. The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it." The programmer said, "Okay, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."
