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Video:Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

 

Video:Cows as Politics (longer version)

Cows as Politics (longer version)

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd`s pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don`t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

 

Video:Presidential Milkshakes

Presidential Milkshakes

Sean T. Collins of Attention Deficit Disorder has created a presidential milkshake list that tells you all you need to know about the candidates.

I drink your milkshake! -Daniel Plainview

I drink your milkshake, even though I opposed drinking your milkshake four years ago. -Mitt Romney

I drink your milkshake, but only if the Bible says it`s allowed. -Mike Huckabee

I may drink your milkshake for another 100 years, if that`s what it takes. -John McCain

I drank a milkshake on 9/11. -Rudy Giuliani

I`ll drink your milkshake a few months after everyone else does. -Fred Thompson

I drink your milkshake, but I`m paying for it with gold. -Ron Paul

America deserves a new milkshake. -Barack Obama

I will fight the corporations so that you can drink your own milkshake. -John Edwards

I have 35 years of milkshake-drinking experience. *sob* -Hillary Clinton

I peacefully drink your milkshake. -Dennis Kucinich

It depends on what your definition of "milkshake" is. -Bill Clinton

I voted for drinking your milkshake before I voted against it. -John Kerry

Global warming is melting your milkshake. -Al Gore

We`re making good progress in the war on milkshakes, and make no mistake: we will prevail. -George W. Bush

 

Video:The 10 Rules of The Governmental Handbook.

The 10 Rules of The Governmental Handbook.

Rule #1: Do whatever it takes to fuck with people's mind. i.e. Lie (distort truth), create propaganda, and contradict ourselvs through the media and other outlets. Rule #2: Make every effort to cause financial distress to the poor and other countries by making policies that will fuck them over. Rule #3: Make more policies that enhance and strengthen our financial situation while still following Rules #1 & 2. Rule #4: Never create a policy that will cause us to lose money unless it breaks any other rule. Rule #5: Constantly reassure the people of the country and world that democracy is the best form of government. Then rig the elections. Rule #6: Create Top Secret documents and other projects so that conspiracy theorists will have something to talk about. Then lie about it so it strengthens them more to believe it is true. Rule #7: Use the media to create an allure to war so that when the time comes for war, the people will not object. Rule #8: Never appoint a leader that looks smarter than the average person. So this way people can relate to him/her. Rule #9: Keep the education levels as low as possible so that the people don't realize how hard they are getting fucked over. Rule #10: Keep mind altering substances such as cocain and herroin illegal so that we have a place to waste money. At the same time however, use our own drug companies to create new drugs that will never cure a symptom but instead just treat it so that they will have to keep paying more money so we can waste it fighting the war on drugs.

 

Video:Did you say something?

Did you say something?

The Wall A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Fishbien," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. " "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

 

Video:Refreshing jokes on a left sided website #1

Refreshing jokes on a left sided website #1

Q: What’s the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A: Puppies stop whinning after they grow up.

 

Video:Questions to Think About.

Questions to Think About.

Something to really think about.

2 questions:

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,! who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for? Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

&n bsp; Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

! Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

 

Video:Roswell

Roswell

As Many will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed an unidentified object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident many say has long been covered up by the United States Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know, is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

This information may clear up a lot of questions. >

 

Video:If Chuck Norris ran for President...written by Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris ran for President...written by Chuck Norris

I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises? I made a list I'm certain can get me elected. If I'm elected president, I will… Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything. Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?). Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too). Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"

Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.

Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden). Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries. Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.

(Column continues below)

Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell). Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations." Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops – scratch that – already did it undercover).

Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour. Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.

Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").

Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return). Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.

Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me. Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.

Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet. Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.

Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).

Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew – it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden. First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to … Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues. Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)

Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are even now rejoicing that I'm not really running for president. However, my hope is still out that Newt will jump into the race!

  • Votes 2.45/5
  • Views 1450
  • Comments 6
  • Date 6/11/2007
  • by ibji
 

Video:Courtroom Quotations Part 2

Courtroom Quotations Part 2

* Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
* Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
* Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

* Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
* Witness: "Four times."

* Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

* Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
* Witness: "None."
* Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

* Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

* Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

* Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
* Witness: "Not yet."

* Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

* Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
* Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
* Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

* Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
* Witness: "Borofkin."
* Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
* Witness: "I can't remember."
* Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
* Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
* Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
* Witness: "Fair."

* Lawyer: "Are you married?"
* Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
* Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
* Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

* Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
* Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

* Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
* Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

* Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
* Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

* Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
* Witness: "Yes sir."
* Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

* Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
* Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

* Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
* Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
* Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
* Witness: "Attached to the ears."

* Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
* Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

* Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
* Witness: "Oral."
* Lawyer: "How old are you?"
* Witness: "Oral."

* Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
* Witness: "She is my daughter."
* Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

* Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

* Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
* Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
* Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

* Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
* Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

* Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
* Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
* Lawyer: "It was covered?"
* Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
* Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
* Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

* Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
* Witness: "I could see his head."
* Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
* Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

* Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
* Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

* Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
* Witness: "The victim lived."

* Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
* Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

* Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
* Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

 

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Entry Dates: 4/15/2008-6/15/2008

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