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- If it`s worth fighting for, it`s worth fighting dirty for. - Don`t lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily. - There is always one more son of a gun than you counted on. - An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. - Chicken little only has to be right once. - "NO" is only an interim response. - You can`t kill a bad idea. - If at first you don`t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. - The truth is a variable. - A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent. - You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way. - A promise is not a guarantee. - If you can`t counter the argument, leave the meeting.
"Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who's driving and who nags." --David Letterman "I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing. ... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien "Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York -- listen to this -- that's his name. Yeah, he has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status, immigrant visas, to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don't have to worry about them taking food out of American mouths. So that's one thing." --Jay Leno "John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman "President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien "Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others. Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope. The irrational fear that behind the mild-mannered facade, Barack Obama is intent on enslaving the white race. It's true. Wake up, white people." --Jon Stewart
DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk. SON - What`s up, Dad? DAD - There`s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? SON - I don`t believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car. DAD - Well, it wasn`t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? SON - Well, as I`ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. DAD - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I`ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn`t drive the car into the mailbox? SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? SON - No sir, that`s not my statement. I`ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? SON - No. No, that`s not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar? SON - From The President of the United States.
"It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede... And, again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno "Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, 'Inconvenient Truth,' which was about climate change. Well, they're turning that 'Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Al Gore and opera - are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let's go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid." --David Letterman "An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien "Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel "There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno "Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So get there" --David Letterman "A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien
"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It`s so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can`t get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman "Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush`s daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, `I haven`t cried that much since Steve left `Blues Clues.`` --Conan O`Brien "Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it`s over. And Hillary`s people said it`s not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, `There`s a fat lady? Where?`" --Jay Leno "How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won`t quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won`t quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won`t quit. And they`re running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman "Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that`s called `W.` Yeah. He`s also making a movie about John McCain called `No Country for Old Men.`" --Conan O`Brien "No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, `Ma`am, it`s 3:00, we`re closing.` In fact, you hear Hillary`s new slogan? `I`m just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.`" --Jay Leno "Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that`s not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, `He`s way too young for me.`" --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien "According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno "In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. That's right. Yeah, Mugabe said he got this idea from Hillary Clinton. Apparently, it's a good idea." --Conan O'Brien "Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno "Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on YouTube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien "A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno
"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I`m going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It`s kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel "Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It`s thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson "And Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier tonight on PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he`s gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing." --Jay Leno "I like John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He looks like the guy that forgets to roll up his windows at the car wash. ... He looks like the guy who yells `Okay, who touched the darkness control on the toaster?`" --David Letterman "Big day at the White House today. I`ve got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, `This is a great day for all Malarians.`" --Conan O`Brien "Well, campaigning in Indiana today, Hillary Clinton, once again, up to her old tricks. She told the crowd that she`s a lifelong Colts fan, and recalled that when she was a little girl, her father taught her how to drive an Indy car. `I remember racing around at the track.`" --Jay Leno "President Bush says that the $300 rebate we`ve been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It`s nice. Good news, yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You`re right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We`re screwed" --Conan O`Brien "And of course, the really good news for liberals, Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania! I remember when she used to be the big liberal. I guess things have changed. But she did, come on, you`ve gotta give it up for Hillary. She won it, again. I know, it`s pesky. She keeps winning. She won in Pennsylvania, and the next day, she raised 10 million dollars. That`s a lot of lolly. And her supporters said they would have donated that money sooner, but there was a purse at Nordstrom they just had to have." --Bill Maher
"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don`t want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher "A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their religion." --Jay Leno "How about the presidential race? It`s really interesting, isn`t it? I mean usually, it`s sort of interesting, and then toward the end it just gets plain dull. But so far, it`s pretty interesting. And the election is just three years away." --David Letterman "Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary `I Might Be a Redneck` Clinton, you know, she`s backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She`s backed off that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it`s true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno "Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said `Ooh stop, you`re making me hot.`" --David Letterman "And you know, the pope is in town. That`s kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don`t think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, `What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.`" --Jay Leno "But I didn`t realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman "But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a `Gas Tax Holiday.` For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, `Grandpa is giving you $5.`" --Bill Maher
Some years ago the president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning." Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington. The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you`re the best in the business. I can`t trust what my staff tells me. "So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?" The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn`t heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately. The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?" "Yes, sir." "Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered. So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.
"Hillary Clinton`s senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire... As her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from her virtual shoe-in to second place." --Jay Leno "On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack`s visit attracted large crowds and doubled the black population of Montana." --Conan O`Brien "Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it`s greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or `Chuckles` as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor." --Stephen Colbert "Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not -- will not -- accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one has asked him." --Jay Leno "John McCain`s the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain`s only protection is the life insurance he bought from Wilford Brimley." --Conan O`Brien "He`s an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn`t understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? Clap-on, Clap-off." --Jay Leno "According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O`Brien
