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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman Asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."
BRISBANE, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and environmentalist known as the "Crocodile Hunter," was killed Monday by a stingray during a diving expedition, Australian media said. He was 44. Irwin was filming an underwater documentary on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state when the accident occurred, Sydney's The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported on its Web site. The Australian Broadcasting Corp. said Irwin was diving near Low Isles Reef near the resort town of Port Douglas, about 1,260 miles north of the state capital of Brisbane. Queensland ambulance service spokesman Bob Hamil confirmed that a diver had been killed by a stingray off Lowe Isles Reef but refused to say who the victim was until relatives had been notified. A rescue helicopter was sent from the nearby city of Cairns, and paramedics from it confirmed the diver's death. "The probable cause of death is stingray strike to the chest," Hamil said. Staff at Australia Zoo, Irwin's zoo in southern Queensland, said they had heard the reports but could not comment. Irwin is famous for his enthusiasm for wildlife and his catchcry "Crikey!" in his television program "Crocodile Hunter," which was first broadcast in Australia in 1992 and has aired around the world on the Discovery channel. He rode his image into a feature film, and developed the Australia Zoo as a tourist attraction. Irwin had received some negative publicity in recent years. In January 2004, he stunned onlookers at the Australia Zoo reptile park by carrying his 1-year-old son into a crocodile pen during a wildlife show. He tucked the infant under one arm while tossing the 13-foot reptile a piece of meat with the other. Authorities declined to charge Irwin for violating safety regulations. Later that year, he was accused of getting too close to penguins, a seal and humpback whales in Antarctica while making a documentary. Irwin denied any wrongdoing, and an Australian Environment Department investigation recommended no action be taken. Irwin was also seen as a vocal critic of wildlife hunts in Australia. The federal government recently dropped plans to allow crocodile safaris for wealthy tourists in the Northern Territory following his vehement objections. Irwin told the Australian television program "A Current Affair" that "killing one of our beautiful animals in the name of trophy hunting will have a very negative impact on tourism, which scares the living daylights out of me." He is survived by his American wife Terri, from Oregon, and their daughter Bindi Sue, 8, and son Bob, who will turn 3 in December.
Graffiti 1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here I lie in stinky vapour, Because some ******* stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger. Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this.... Washroom Graffiti 2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here I sit Broken hearted Tried to shit But only farted Some one who had a different experience wrote Washroom Graffiti 3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You're lucky You had your chance I tried to fart, And shit my pants! Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration in toilets Washroom Graffiti 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I came here To shit and stink, But all I do Is sit and think. There are also people who come in for a different purpose Washroom Graffiti 5 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to shit and stink, But I come here to scratch my balls, And read the bullshit on the walls... Toilets walls are also job advertisement places....... Washroom Graffiti 6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (written high upon the wall) If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you. Ministry of environment advertisement Washroom Graffiti 7 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We aim to please! You aim too! Please! Washroom Graffiti 8 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Seen above a urinal: Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in your ashtrays! Washroom Graffiti 9 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the inside of a toilet door: patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance. Washroom Graffiti 10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A sign at a swimming pool bathroom: We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool! Washroom Graffiti 11 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way. This should teach you a lesson Washroom Graffiti 12 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sign seen at a restaurant: The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.
George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's >happening?" >Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about >the new leader of >China." >George: "Great. Lay it on me." >Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China." >George: "That's what I want to know." >Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you." >George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new >leader of China?" >Condoleeza: "Yes." >George: "I mean the fellow's name." >Condoleeza: "Hu." >George: "The guy in China." >Condoleeza: "Hu." >George: "The new leader of China." >Condoleeza: "Hu." >George: "The Chinaman!" >Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China." >George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?" >Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China." >George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?" >Condoleeza: "That's the man's name." >George: "That's whose name?" >Condoleeza: "Yes." >George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of >the new leader of >China?" >Condoleeza: "Yes, sir." >George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought >he was in the >Middle >East." >Condoleeza: "That's correct." >George: "Then who is in China?" >Condoleeza: "Yes, sir." >George: "Yassir is in China?" >Condoleeza: "No, sir." >George: "Then who is?" >Condoleeza: "Yes, sir." >George: "Yassir?" >Condoleeza: "No, sir." >George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone." >Condoleeza: "Kofi?" >George: "No, thanks." >Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?" >George: "No." >Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi." >George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N." Condoleeza: "Yes, sir." >George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N." >Condoleeza: "Kofi?" >George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?" >Condoleeza: "And call who?" >George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?" >Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China." >George: "Will you stay out of China?!" >Condoleeza: "Yes, sir." >George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me >the guy at the>U.N." >Condoleeza: "Kofi." >George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get >on the phone."
Ok president Bush is at OPEC ( the oil producing countries Association) After a day of negotiations the king of Suadi Arabia invites him to his house sits him down and starts chatting away. He says "you know what Bush my son thinks America is great he loves it he wants to go live over there". Bush replies, "well yeah, America is pretty great we'd love to have him over, what in particular does he like about us". The Suadi says, "well he absolutly loves Star Trek he's got the costumes and I bought him all the DVD's and the ears". Bush replies, "yeah Star Trek is a classic I like that show". Before he can finish the Suadi interupts and says, "you know we just can't understand one thing about Star Trek." Bush, looking confident says, "ask me maybe I can help". The Suadi ask's, "you know theres white people, black people even Asian people in star treck but why are there no Arabs". Bush with a grin on his face say's, "well thats an easy one its cause Star Trek is set in the future".
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5. The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom." Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
There was a Drill Seargant in the U.S. Army, whose primary job was informing the new recruits of the rules in the mess hall.
On one group of new recruits, He enters the mess hall and shouts, "Attention new recruits! These are the rules of the mess hall: Shut up, Eat up, Get up!" And to make sure the recruits were listening, he followed up with: "Now, what was the first rule?"
To his amusement, about 60 privates stood up and shouted, "Shut up, Drill Seargant!"
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.* *Eisenhower has joined the game.* *paTTon has joined the game.* *Churchill has joined the game.* *benny-tow has joined the game.* *T0J0 has joined the game.* *Roosevelt has joined the game.* *Stalin has joined the game.* *deGaulle has joined the game.* Roosevelt: hey sup T0J0: y0 Stalin: hi Churchill: hi Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks! paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks T0JO: lol Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression! benny-tow: haha america sux Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool? Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever Stalin: cool deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me Roosevelt: get antiair guns Churchill: i cant afford them benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is? paTTon: stfu Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army paTTon: yah hurry the fock up Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck *deGaulle has left the game.* Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k? benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair? benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head? Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u Hitler[AoE]: wtf Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me! T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol benny-tow: haha benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1 T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya Stalin: church help me Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here Stalin: dont be an arss Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late Eisenhower: LOL benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help Hitler: o man ur focked paTTon: oh what now biotch Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol *benny-tow has been eliminated.* benny-tow: lame Roosevelt: gj patton paTTon: thnx Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record Eisenhower: Nuts! benny~tow: wtf that mean? Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker Stalin: rofl T0J0: HAHAHHAA Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin happy Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.* benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL Stalin: OMG LMAO! Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows *Hitler[AoE] has left the game* paTTon: hahahhah T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs benny~tow: shut up noob Roosevelt: haha wut a moron paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now? Eisenhower: yah me too T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol Eisenhower: fock u paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie Stalin: go to hell lol paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk Eisenhower: yah this is happy *Roosevelt has left the game.* Hitler[AoE]: wtf? Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join *tru_m4n has joined the game.* tru_m4n: hi all T0J0: hey Stalin: sup Churchill: hi tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff! tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple Stalin: omg dont be happy gimmie nuculer secrets T0J0: wtf is nukes? T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****! *T0J0 has been eliminated.* *The Allied team has won the game!* Eisenhower: awesome! Churchill: gg noobs no re T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck *T0J0 has left the game.* *Eisenhower has left the game.* Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for **** Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss tru_m4n: l8r all benny~tow: bye Churchill: l8r Stalin: fock u all tru_m4n: shut up commie lol *tru_m4n has left the game.* benny~tow: lololol u commie Churchill: ROFL Churchill: bye commie *Churchill has left the game.* *benny~tow has left the game.* Stalin: i hate u all fags *Stalin has left the game.* paTTon: lol no1 is left paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep *paTTon has been eliminated.* paTTon: o sh1t! *paTTon has left the game.*
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
