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George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted (courtesy of the American Taxpayer, of course). The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George .W. says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!" The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheel chair w/a built in tv & stereo/headset!" Bush is a little perplexed (by everything, actually) by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after everyone finds out I saved you from drowning!!!"
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.' Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.' Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,' Replied the buddy. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"
If God made the front of a womens body, who made the back? THE GOVERMENT..... who else would put a shit hole next to a play area...
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps. Things are getting ugly.
One fine day, Hilary Clinton is cleaning her husband's room when she discovers a dust-covered box under the bed. Curious, she retrieves the box and opens it. Inside is 3 empty beer cans and a million dollars. Puzzled as to what this may be for, she decides to ask Bill about it. "Honey," she later asks, "Why is there a box under our bed with 3 empty beer cans and a million dollars in it?" As soon as he hears this, the former president's head droops and he speaks solemnly. "I thought you might find that at some point, Hilary," he says. "You see, each of those beer cans represents a time that I cheated on you. The first can was Monica Lewinsky, since then there have been a few others as well." A short pause ensues. "Well," Hilary finally says, "After all, you were once the president of the United States, I suppose only three isn't so bad. What's the million dollars for?" "Oh that," replied Bill, "That was for all the times that the box got full and I had to take the cans in for a deposit!"
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.
A caucasian woman, an african american man, and a Jewish man enter a perfectly respectable tavern. All three of them order glasses of milk because it is far too early to imbibe alcohol. Promptly after the last man had finished his glass of milk, the Jewish man paid the bill and left a large tip for the bartender. On the way out, they spied a professor from the local university. The african american male then began to discuss string theory with him, and they conversed long into the night. In the parking lot, the caucasian woman then said farewell to her companions as she drove off to her high powered business meeting.
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"
John Cleese's Letter to America To the citizens of the United States of America In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next. Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above). 7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar. 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation. John Cleese PS: Why doesn't he mention Waldorf salads???
Scene: Trench warfare on Pakistan border, Indian regiment on one side and Pakistani on the other, suddenly Vijay(of India) gets a bright idea, shouts! "Oye Abdul!" Guy pops up from other trench "Wassup fucker?" BANG shot dead! "Oye Karim" two guys stand up, and in chorus "You takin' to me fucker?" BANG BANG both finito. "Oye Mustafa!" 2 more, BANG-BANG! Capiche! Pakistanis get worried, they think "Bastard Indians, when did they get so smart"? Decide to try it themselves. "Oye Vijay ".... silence. "Oye Sanjay!!".... silence. "Oye brother, Ajay !"still silence From the Indian side: "Oye who's calling Vijay?" Paki gets up, "Me", BANG!
