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There was a country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do - and he didn't seem overly concerned about it. One day while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. "Now then," the preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be." The preacher anxiously awaited the arrival of his son, and soon he heard his footsteps as he came in the house whistling, and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed as a matter of routine and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He then picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. Finally, he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
We're off to see the wizard.... The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain". "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE." Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?"
Q. How does George W Bush feel about Roe vs Wade? A. He doesn't really care how people get out of New Orleans!
Dubya, Laura and Big Dick are flying back to Washington on Air Force One. Laura and Dick are lost in their own thoughts, while George is looking out the window at the landscape passing by below. He absently remarks to the other two: "Ya know, I could throw ten thousand dollar bills out of this plane and make ten people down there purty happy." Laura replies, "Well, George, I guess thats true...and I could throw a hundred hundred dollar bills out and make a hundred people down there pretty happy." To which Dick adds, "Yes, and I could throw a thousand ten dollar bills out and make a thousand people down there happy." The pilot, whos overheard all this, turns to his co-pilot. "Bigshots, huh?" he chuckles, "I could throw all three of 'em out of this plane right now and make billions of people happy!"
To Whom it may Concern: I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go! I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Sincerely, Saddam Hussein
How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is seven... One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced. One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the changing of the light bulb. One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs. One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton one million dollars for a light bulb. One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag. And finally, one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
As Dick Cheney was slowly came out of the anesthesia after his recent aneurysm surgery, he noticed how dark the room was and said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?” “There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure!”
The President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House. He has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies, "These aren't pigs, these are genuine Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for the Vice President, and one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld. The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Good trade, sir."
George Bush went to an elementary school classroom for a photo-op and decided to give the kids a pep-talk. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone here who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a little girl stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're stupid?" Bush asked. The little girl replied, "Well, not really, Mr. President, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself!"
