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"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers "A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler "More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they`re now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno "According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney`s favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O`Brien "You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn`t remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I`m beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, `I`m running for President?`" --Bill Maher "Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton`s campaign office in Terre Haute, Indiana? You know, I knew Hillary`s campaign was facing financial trouble. When you`re burning the building down for the insurance money, that`s not a good sign. Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily, she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, then go back and rescue three puppies. So that worked out." --Jay Leno "All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher
"Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It`s unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in Texas, the Democratic Party -- it`s just unbelievable. To give you an idea how bad the Democrats are doing, in a stunning reversal, John McCain now 10% ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7% ahead of Barack Obama. And this is after Iraq, a recession, and no health care. Imagine how far ahead he`d be if the Republicans had actually done something." --Jay Leno "A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. ... A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, `How much wine have they had?`" --Conan O`Brien "Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man`s fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages." --Bill Maher "President Bush`s approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno "In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds, with gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur." --Conan O`Brien "New York`s new governor, David Paterson, he made history this week. He`s black, he`s blind and he`s hornier than the last guy. ... He hadn`t taken his hand off the Bible when they swore him in before he admitted to having multiple affairs. See, this is what women don`t get about the male sex drive. He was blind and he still wanted to see other people." --Bill Maher "Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden`s latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, `Dog, it`s just not working for me.`" --Jay Leno "A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they`ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O`Brien "The good news is ... on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. ... The bad news is that it`s still far behind the footage of Spitzer`s hooker on `Girls Gone Wild.`" --Bill Maher
One day the president was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river. After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I`ll give it to you." The first boy said, "Please, I`d like a ticket to Disneyland!" "I`ll personally hand it to you," said Mr. President. "I`d like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I`ll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful president. "And I`d like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy. "I`ll personally ... wait a second, son, you`re not handicapped!" "No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."
The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd`s pie, please. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don`t know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them. AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Sean T. Collins of Attention Deficit Disorder has created a presidential milkshake list that tells you all you need to know about the candidates. I drink your milkshake! -Daniel Plainview I drink your milkshake, even though I opposed drinking your milkshake four years ago. -Mitt Romney I drink your milkshake, but only if the Bible says it`s allowed. -Mike Huckabee I may drink your milkshake for another 100 years, if that`s what it takes. -John McCain I drank a milkshake on 9/11. -Rudy Giuliani I`ll drink your milkshake a few months after everyone else does. -Fred Thompson I drink your milkshake, but I`m paying for it with gold. -Ron Paul America deserves a new milkshake. -Barack Obama I will fight the corporations so that you can drink your own milkshake. -John Edwards I have 35 years of milkshake-drinking experience. *sob* -Hillary Clinton I peacefully drink your milkshake. -Dennis Kucinich It depends on what your definition of "milkshake" is. -Bill Clinton I voted for drinking your milkshake before I voted against it. -John Kerry Global warming is melting your milkshake. -Al Gore We`re making good progress in the war on milkshakes, and make no mistake: we will prevail. -George W. Bush
Rule #1: Do whatever it takes to fuck with people's mind. i.e. Lie (distort truth), create propaganda, and contradict ourselvs through the media and other outlets. Rule #2: Make every effort to cause financial distress to the poor and other countries by making policies that will fuck them over. Rule #3: Make more policies that enhance and strengthen our financial situation while still following Rules #1 & 2. Rule #4: Never create a policy that will cause us to lose money unless it breaks any other rule. Rule #5: Constantly reassure the people of the country and world that democracy is the best form of government. Then rig the elections. Rule #6: Create Top Secret documents and other projects so that conspiracy theorists will have something to talk about. Then lie about it so it strengthens them more to believe it is true. Rule #7: Use the media to create an allure to war so that when the time comes for war, the people will not object. Rule #8: Never appoint a leader that looks smarter than the average person. So this way people can relate to him/her. Rule #9: Keep the education levels as low as possible so that the people don't realize how hard they are getting fucked over. Rule #10: Keep mind altering substances such as cocain and herroin illegal so that we have a place to waste money. At the same time however, use our own drug companies to create new drugs that will never cure a symptom but instead just treat it so that they will have to keep paying more money so we can waste it fighting the war on drugs.
The Wall A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Fishbien," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. " "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Q: What’s the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A: Puppies stop whinning after they grow up.
