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The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck...
A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
Three young female clubbers were amazed to see Alex Ferguson out one night enjoying a pint.
Apparently, one young lady approached Ferguson and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied Ferguson "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Alex signed, just above her knee where she pointed.
Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Alex, sign here" she promptly lifts up her top. Ferguson of course being a gent duly obliges.
The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Alex exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said Ferguson "but only José Mourinho signs twats!"
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." "And?" asked the doctor. "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country." "Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi ! Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece.
The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.
The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance." The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could." The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!" "Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"
One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went golfing.
