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A man has been found floating in the Thames River, wearing a Chelsea football shirt, a suspender belt, fishnet stockings, a ball-gag, and a 12" black vibrator inserted into his anus. Although he has not yet been named or identified, Thames Valley Police have removed the shirt to save his family any embarrassment.
Huntington, WV (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cabell County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediaty family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Notre Dame Football Team whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive, so he got an instructor and started his lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his ripcord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready. When the time came for the redneck to jump from the airplane, the instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the ripcord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his ripcord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck. The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, huh?"
Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in his notebook. "But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said. "I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. "Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!" Then POOF! .. she was gone! After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?" Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
Q. How many snow board instructors does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Three - one to hold it, one to video tape it and the other to say "AWESOME DUDE!" Q. What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student? A. 3 days! Q. If you have a car with 3 snowboarders in the back seat, what do you call the driver? A. Officer!
Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?'' The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." "And?" asked the doctor. "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"
One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went golfing.