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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods the golfer?” “Yeah.” “Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks his wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that!” she claims. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “What are you doing?” she asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that,” again she claims. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.” The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!”
Funny but true: BEIJING (Reuters) - Touted as a celebration of sport, culture and national unity, the Ethnic Minority Games held in southwestern China descended into a farce of cross-dressing cheating and mob violence, state media reported. Athletes representing China's 55 ethnic minorities assembled in southwestern Yunnan province last week to compete in blow-pipe darts, horse-riding events and other traditional sports. But blind pursuit of victory lead to some unorthodox tactics, Xinhua news agency reported. Results of the women's dragon-boat racing event were reviewed after athletes complained of "big women with Adam's apples," Xinhua said. Referees subsequently found that several of the competitors were actually men wearing wigs. A dispute between a team from the games' host city, Zhaotong, and another from Wenshan city in Yunnan province over the result of a wrestling final turned into a brawl, Xinhua said. The Wenshan team was eventually chased away by a local gang with blades and sticks called in by the Zhaotong team, Xinhua said. "I've never seen violence and ugliness like that," a reporter at the games told Xinhua. The nationality games have been held eight times in Yunnan province, where 25 of the country's 56 ethnic minorities live. "The tenet of the games is to develop the minorities' characteristic sports, build up their health and increase national unity," Ren Muzhen, the chief organizer, told Xinhua. Coaches blamed the unruly scenes on the pressures of having career advancement linked to results. "Coaches and local officials still concentrate on medals and results in this games," a coach told Xinhua. "They have to think about every means to get better results."
Patriots vs. Rams spacer POST GAME DISCUSSION Two Rams fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to the other, "You know, the Patriots might have won the Super Bowl, but their fans are such a**holes!" A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said, "I find that statement offensive!" One of the Rams fans replied, "Oh, you must be a Patriots fan." "No," the man said, "I'm an a**hole!"
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country." "Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"
A man decides to take his son hunting. They get out in the bush and his son starts making too much noise. So he tells his son to sit on a log and eat his lunch.
Well the father is gone for about 15 minutes when he comes across the best looking buck he has ever seen. He then gets the buck in his sights, cocks his weapon, and is just about to fire when he hears the most blood curling scream he has ever heard.
“DAD!! HELP ME!”
The buck runs off without a shot. The father races as fast as he can back to his son and when he gets there he asks
“So what is it?”
The son replies “Dad, I didn’t scream when the rattlesnake slithered across my feet and I didn’t scream when the grizzly bear came up behind me and ate my lunch but I just had to scream when those two chipmunks ran up my leg and said shall we eat them here or take them with us.”
A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son. In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers; "Would you like to live with your mother?" asks the judge. "No" says the lad, "she hits me." "So then would you like to live with your father?" asks the judge. "No" says the lad again, "he hits me too!" "Well who would you like to live with?" asks the judge. "I'd like to live with Nottingham Forest Football Club" says the lad. "Nottingham Forest Football Club!" exclaims the judge, hardly believing his ears "Why on earth would you possibly want to live with Nottingham Forest Football club?" he asks. "Because they never beat anybody!!!"
Three young female clubbers were amazed to see Alex Ferguson out one night enjoying a pint.
Apparently, one young lady approached Ferguson and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied Ferguson "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Alex signed, just above her knee where she pointed.
Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Alex, sign here" she promptly lifts up her top. Ferguson of course being a gent duly obliges.
The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Alex exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said Ferguson "but only José Mourinho signs twats!"
The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece.
The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.
The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance." The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could." The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!" "Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"
Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi ! Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
