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Video:
A skeleton walks into a bar,
the bartender asks,
"What'll it be?"
The skeleton replies,
"Give me a beer and a mop..."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-! 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The REDNECK, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches his glass as it falls into his hand.
HE says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice"
Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Halloween raffle.
Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each.
When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - a six month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"Me too," replied Dick.
"And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry groaned, "I reckon I'll go back to paper."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks."
"You don't understand," says the man, "Chunks is my dog."
A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted.
He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face.
"Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face.
He decides he'll try it one block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up.
"You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
"How did you know?"
"The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."
A man walks up to the bartender and says, "Y'see that cup over there? I'll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!" The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar.
So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender's laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
"Pay up," gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, "Why did that guy give you the money?"
And the first guy says, "'Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you'd just laugh about it!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender.
The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
There was a snail who decided he wanted a drink.
He went into a bar and made his way onto the bartop and proceeded to ask the barman for a whisky.
The barman being somewhat of an aggressive fellow said "Get lost your a snail. The snail again asked for a whisky the barman refused to serve him the whisky. The snail said "but I want a whisky please."
The barman again refused his request and said "I told you I am not serving a snail with whisky and promptly grabbed hold of the snail and threw him out of the bar and into the street as far as he could and went back about his business.
A year later in the same bar there appeared on the the bar a snail, who said to the barman "What did you do that for?"
...with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
