Spiked Humor Crave Online

Video:

The Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

• 3.95/5
• 2784
• 12
• 7/23/2006
• by sn1per_uk

Video:

Scottish Jokes

When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!

• 2.61/5
• 404
• 4
• 7/20/2006
• by Mr. Pinstrip Suit

Video:

Spraying The Bar

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

• 2.82/5
• 363
• 3
• 7/20/2006
• by Martez

Video:

Dog Joke

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

• 3.53/5
• 2241
• 7
• 7/16/2006
• by SkylerCloud

Video:

Man Walks Into A Gay Bar...

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked into a gay bar. He thinks, "What the hell, I really want a drink."

A gay waiter swishes up to him and says, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer is shocked and says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."

The waiter winks at him and says, "I'm sorry, honey, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of YOUR penis?"

The waiter replies, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

So the guy thinks about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he asks the guy next to him his dick's name.

"I call mine Ford, because it's built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret."

"Secret?" says the waiter, confused.

The customer says, "Yeah... strong enough for a man, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

• 3.35/5
• 3824
• 10
• 7/1/2006
• by cloud12077

Video:

A Bar

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.

I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle.It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living. "I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time.

What are the odds on something like that happening?"

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hunderd, and eighty-seven billion to one."

• 4.01/5
• 391
• 4
• 6/29/2006
• by sn1per_uk

Video:

A Gorilla in a Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini to the amazement of the bartender.

When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he’s further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.

The bartender takes the $20, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla on $1 change.

The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence. “We don’t get too many apes in here,” he says.

The gorilla replies, “At £19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”

• 3.88/5
• 434
• 2
• 5/22/2006
• by sn1per_uk

Video:

Touché!

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.

Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.

They reply: "Well, that's the size we imagine your penis to be. Just kidding!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his schoolbooks on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says,

"Hi there, ladies!"

• 3.64/5
• 577
• 1
• 5/14/2006
• by h0_strangler

Video:

Carmen

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?"

"Beerfuck," he replied.

• 4.03/5
• 807
• 1
• 5/9/2006
• by sn1per_uk

Video:

Elderly couple

An elderly couple goes to the doctor's for a check up. The doctor tells them they are ok physically, but mentally they should start to write things down as they are getting forgetful with age.

The couple goes home and later that evening they are sitting in the living room. The old man gets up, his wife asks him where he is going and he replies, "To the kitchen, my love."

She says, "Could you please bring me a bowl of ice cream, you had better write it down incase you forget it."

He replies, "No it is ok, I will remember that." His wife then says, "Oh and some strawberries too. Now you had better write that down." Again he replies, "No it is ok, I'll remember."

"Oh and some whipped cream, now you really had better write this down."

Furiously the old man replies, "For god sake women I will be ok. I will remember it, a bowl of ice cream with some strawberries and some whipped cream. Is that all?"

"Yes," she replies.

Twenty minutes pass and the old man returns from the kitchen, hands his wife a plate with eggs and beans on it. She looks up at him in astonishment and says, "Where's the toast?"

• 3.84/5
• 524
• 0
• 3/14/2006
• by doylie1978