Upgrade your browser!
Skip to Content
Sign-In
Community
Exp Leader Board
Don't have an account? Create one and start earning XP!
Video:
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender: I bet $100 that I can piss in a beerglass three meters away from me. The bartender agrees to make the bet. The man pissed all over the bar and the bartender laughed very hard. After that he gave the bartender his $100. The man then walked to two guys outside the bar. He had previously made a $500 bet with them that he could piss all over the bartenders bar and the bartender would just laugh about it.
Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him. The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!" Patty was confused. "How did you find out?" "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."
So three guys are at a bar, on top of a cliff. The first guy says to the second guy " Jees I swear one more beer in me and I reckon I could jump off that cliff and float back up!" The second guy says " HA i'll give ya $200 if you do" So the first guy drinks his beer goes to the cliff edge and jumps off, and gentley floats up to the top. The second guy gets cocky and says " Hay you know what I reckon i could have one more beer and do the same thing!" so he does and jumps of the cliff to his bloody death! The third guy looks to the first and says " You know what, your a reall jerk when you drink superman!"
A guy walks into a bar. Guy: "Hey, barkeeper, give me a beer." Barkeeper: "Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I will give you a free beer and $500." So the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in. Guy: "Where's my $500 and free beer?" Barkeeper: "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry." The guy walks outside again. The barkeep chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in. Guy: "Alright, where's my $1000 and two free beers?" Barkeeper: "What did you say to make the horse laugh?" Guy : "I told him I have a bigger penis than him." Barkeeper: "What did you do to make him cry?" Guy: "I showed him."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
A bloke walks into a bar and asks for a pint, the barman walks over to the beer tap and starts pouring the pint. Whilst the barman is doing this the bloke hears a noise coming from the bowl of peanuts so he listens again "alright darlin you're a bit of alright ain't ya" Confused he turns toward the fruit machine, which happens to be switched off and hears another voice"yoooooooou ugly fucker" By this point the barman returns and says "are you alright mate, you look like you've seen a ghost?" The bloke replys: "You probably think I'm mental but I swear those nuts and that fruit machine were just talking to me." "What did they say?" asked the barman. The nuts said "I was a bit of alright and the fruit machine told me I was an ugly fucker" "Oh," said the barman "that's probably because the nuts are complimentr.y" "But what about the fruit machine?" "Oh that's just out of order, mate."
Joe had just made his way to the crowded bar when there was a frenzied commotion outside. A man shouted, "Run for your lives! Big Jake's coming!" As everyone scattered, an enormous man burst through the doors, hurled tables and chairs aside and strode up to the bar. "Give me a drink!" he ordered. Left alone at the bar, Joe quickly handed over a bottle of whiskey. The huge man downed it in one gulp, then ate the bottle. Paralysed with fear, Joe stammered, "Can I get you another drink?" "No, I've got to go," said the giant. "Didn't you hear? Big Jake's coming!"
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk: Innovative Preliminary Proliferation. Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk: Specificity Constitution Transubstantiate. Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk: No kebab for me, thank you I'm sorry, but you're not really my type Oh, I just couldn't – no one wants to hear me sing I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure it's just because he knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I might fall off I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good night's sleep in that hedge/pavement/skip
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right." So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy. "Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
