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A bartender was tending to his bar when a guy in tattered clothes swaggers into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at the man and says, "You don't look like you can afford a beer, so why should I give you one?" The man laughs and says, "You're right, but I just won $10,000 earlier today." "Wow, what's your occupation?" "I am a professional gambler. For example, I'll bet you $100 that I can get a bulls-eye from this very spot." Looking to the opposide side of the bar, the bartender eye's the dart board and accepts the bet. The man walks across the bar, grabs a dart, walks back, and hit's the bulls-eye from the bar. "Well, I shouldn't have doubted you, here's your $100." As the night passed, the man got more and more drunk. Until finally, the man walked back to the bartender so drunk, he had trouble standing. He say's, "Hey bartender! I bet you $1,000 that I can piss from one side of the bar into a beer bottle without spilling a drop!" The bartender, seeing his odd's of winning were high, accepted. So the man climbs onto the bar, sets down an empty beer bottle, and stumbles to the other side. He unzips, and starts peeing everywhere. The bar, the bartender, everything got drenched in piss, and none of it got in the bottle. The bartender starts smiling and goes to the man to collect, but the man suddenly bursts out laughing. The bartender, confused but $1,000 richer asks, "What's so funny? You just lost the bet." "That's true, but I just bet everyone in here for $50,000 that I can piss on you, your bar, and still have you smiling afterwards!"
The lads prayer: Our beer, Which art in barrels, Thy will be drunk, at home as it is in the pub, Forgive us our daily spillage, And those who spillage against us, Lead us not into winetasting, And deliver us from alcopops, For ours is the bitter, The spirits and the larger, Forever and ever barmen....
There was a drunk at a bar who, one day, walked to the bartender and said: "i'll bet you $1000 i can piss in a shot glass from here to across the room and not spill a drop." the bartender agrees and watches the drunk. the drunk pisses EVERYWHERE. all over the pool table, the bar, into the whiskey and the bartenders shoes. the bartender laughs and collects the money. but he sees the drunk laughing and smiling. he asks the drunk why he is laughing and the drunk says: "i bet the guys over there $5000 each that i could piss all over your bar an you'd laugh about it.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
A man kills a dear and takes it home to cook for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is. He says "I'll give you clue, it's what mum calls me sometimes" The little girl screams "DON'T eat it it's a fucking asshole!!"
A duck walks into a bar and up to the bartender. Looking the fellow square in the eye, he asks, "Hey, uh, you got any fish here?" "No," the bartender replies. "This is a bar. We do not sell fish. If you want something to drink, I can help you. Otherwise, scram." The duck waddles away, muttering to himself. The next day the duck returns, bellies up to the bar, and asks the bartender, "Say, um...you got any fish?" "No, no, a thousand times no!" cries the bartender. "Look, I told you yesterday—we don't have any fish. If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail your stupid little duck bill to the bar. Got it?" "Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it, mister," the duck mumbles, slides off his barstool and waddles into the night. The very next day the duck is back. "Er, mister?" he begins. "Yes?" replies the bartender with a menacing look in his eye. "Do you...do you have any nails?" the duck asks. The bartender frowns. "No. This is a bar. I have no nails." "Well, uh...you got any fish?"
1 cup dark brown sugar 1 cup (two sticks) butter 1 cup granulated sugar 4 large eggs 2 cups dried fruit (dried cranberries or raisins) 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice 1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans 2 cups all purpose flour 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired) First, sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl. ReCheck the Cuervo to be sure it is of the highest quality by Pouring another 4 ounces in a measuring cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of the butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try another 4 ounces, just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. &nbs! p;Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, picking the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. Cherry Mistmas.
Guy walks into a bar and shouts, "Anyone here own a six-foot penguin?" Everybody says, "No." Guy says, "MY GOD! I think i ran over a nun!"
Man walks into a bar and orders a beer, the barman serves it up with a smile. Before he can even take one sup from the pint but a monkey swings across the bar rafters, lays out its lady toy into its hand and proceeds to urinate into said patrons beer. Before the man knows whats happened the monkey swings off, the man looks up at the barman, "What the hell was that? Did you just see that?" The barman replies, "Yeah, sorry about that boss, I think he belongs to the Pianist". The man walks over to the piano and asks the player "Oi, do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The Pianist replied, "I don't know, you hum it and I'll play along".
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
