Spiked Humor Crave Online

Video:

Fly In The Beer

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a pub and each proceed to order a pint of Guiness.

Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice a fly has landed in each of their beers, and has gotten stuck in the creamy head.

The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened.

The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

• 3.86/5
• 6974
• 19
• 2/17/2006
• by Pandora

Video:

Beer

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-! 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The REDNECK, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches his glass as it falls into his hand.

HE says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice"

• 3.36/5
• 4290
• 17
• 12/2/2005
• by JBchillin

Video:

An Irish Man and 3 Drinks

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

• 3.04/5
• 2980
• 17
• 1/18/2006
• by Majorplow

Video:

Bad Aim

A nun and a Priest were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

• 3.59/5
• 3647
• 15
• 10/14/2005
• by GilgaMesh

Video:

Bartender's Wife

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent."
"One penny?!" exclaims the guy.
"That’s right."

So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents."
"Four cents?" says the guy.

"Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!"
"He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender.
"What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy.
"Same as what I'm doing to his business."

• 3.61/5
• 3349
• 14
• 8/15/2006
• by fredy

Video:

Identity Crisis

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

• 3.76/5
• 3113
• 13
• 7/30/2006
• by macrobubble

Video:

The Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

• 3.95/5
• 2784
• 12
• 7/23/2006
• by sn1per_uk

Video:

Man Walks Into A Gay Bar...

A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked into a gay bar. He thinks, "What the hell, I really want a drink."

A gay waiter swishes up to him and says, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer is shocked and says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."

The waiter winks at him and says, "I'm sorry, honey, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of YOUR penis?"

The waiter replies, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

So the guy thinks about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he asks the guy next to him his dick's name.

"I call mine Ford, because it's built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret."

"Secret?" says the waiter, confused.

The customer says, "Yeah... strong enough for a man, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

• 3.35/5
• 3824
• 10
• 7/1/2006
• by cloud12077

Video:

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

• 3.45/5
• 3797
• 10
• 12/14/2005
• by NikNak

Video:

21 types of men you will meet in a bathroom

A deep study into the psyche of men.

1 Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2 Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3 Crosseyed - Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4 Timid - Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5 Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6 Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
7 Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8 Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
9 Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10 Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11 Sneaky - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
12 Patient - Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
13 Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14 Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15 Efficient - Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16 Fat - Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17 Little - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18 Drunk - Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
19 Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20 Conceited - Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
21 Radical - Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

• 3.43/5
• 5179
• 10
• 9/30/2005
• by minchjp