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Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take myshoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out late! "His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!
Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork `s hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, `Lets be avin` da fingers and I`ll see what oi can do`. Paddy said, `Oi haven`t got da fingers.` `Whadda ya mean you haven`t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin` Jesus, it`s 2009! We`s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn`t ya bring da fingers?!?` And Paddy said, `An how da fock was I `spose to pick them up????
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?" "It`s a mongoose." "What have you got that for?" "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I`m scared to death of snakes. That`s why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." "That`s okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?" I'm from Ireland." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where on the East Side are you from?" "McDonagh Street." "Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?" "Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I`m sorry, but we don`t serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I`m sorry, we don`t serve strings here." So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren`t you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I`m a frayed knot."
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
