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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
How is your mom like a turtle? Once she is on her back she is fucked
Yo mama's so UGLY: your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye she makes blind kids cry when she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes when she gets up, the sun goes down when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother when she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it" when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end the government moved Halloween to her birthday instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies when I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back" the prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her her mom had to feed her with a slingshot her parents first named her "Accident" they knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock! she took your dog to the Canine Show and won your dog came in second
Yo mama's so STUPID: she got hit by a parked car she looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays she put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog she bought a solar-powered flashlight she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses /water-proof teabag/wheelchair with pedals she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico she spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate" I strangled her with a cordless phone she sent me a fax with a stamp on it she sits on the TV and watches the sofa she asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?" she stands up on an empty bus when I asked her to buy me a color TV, she asked me what color when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends she went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed she broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor she only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flip flops she writes "Thank You" notes for her bills
Yo mama's so FAT: she don't take pictures, she takes posters her baby pictures were taken by satellite a picture of her would fall off the wall she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks she puts on her belt with a boomerang she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors when you get on top of her your ears pop when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too the highway patrol made her wear "Caution Wide Turn" when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo she fell in love and broke it she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction she wakes up in sections when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck she's on both sides of the family everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil she fell and made the Grand Canyon she has to use a VCR as a beeper she broke her leg, and gravy poured out they have to grease the bath tub to get her out she influences the tides she stands in two time zones she cant tie her own shoes she cant reach her back pocket that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through tunnel when they want to clean it she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth she stepped on a talking scale and it said @#**&^% she wears a watch on each arm One for each time zone after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome back party when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up she had to go to Sea World to get baptized her favorite dress is a tent she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops she has to iron her pants on the driveway she needs a building permit for her girdle she has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller she needed her ears pierced with a harpoon when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose when she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please" when she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued" when she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock" the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight she has her own zip code the phone company gave her two area codes people jog around her for exercise when she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI" when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters try to land on her she shows up on radar when she goes to a restaurant, she looks at a menu and goes, "Okay" when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again" when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains" when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them when she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy" the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun when she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean when she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D" she was Miss Arizona -- class battleship she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book her senior picture had to be an aerial view she has to fly cargo class she has to wear a sock on each toe she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts she needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas she sells shade in the summer cows graze by her for the shade when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her she got on an airplane and only the wings took off she could be the eighth continent she farted and put herself into an orbit I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back the only thing attracted to her is gravity small objects tend to orbit her her belly button's got an echo
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint . Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't much difference since either one will ultimately result in death.
What do women and spaghetti have and common? They both squirm when the eat them!
What do women and rocks have in common? The heavy ones don't get picked up!
What do women and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped!
