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A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant. "Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on." "Why? I'm not disturbing anybody." "Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it`s from.
A woman needs to buy a hinge for her door, so she goes to the local hardware store. She gets the hinge and brings it to the counter. The clerk says, "Do you want a screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for that toaster."
Breast ID System (o)(o) perfect breasts ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts (*)(*) high nipple breasts (@)(@) big nipple breasts (you know who you are) oo a cups { O }{ O } d cups (oYo) wonder bra breasts ( ^)( ^) cold breasts (o)(O) lopsided breasts (Q)(Q) pierced breasts (p)(p) breasts w/hanging tassels (:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts o/o/ Grandma's breasts ( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts < o < o electric shock breasts |o||o| android breasts (/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch) (%)(o) extra nipple breasts ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts (^o)(o) zit on your breast ( o Y o ) poses for playboy magazine breasts
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Do not eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches; I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
A husband walks out of the bathroom naked and starts to climb into bed. His wife gives him a pained look as she says "I have a headache." "Thats great" he replies "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. Would you like it orally or as a suppository?"
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 27. You never have to clean a toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. YUP!!!! 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34. You don't have to shave below your neck. 35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.) 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut. 59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me. 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 69. Same work...more pay! 70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote control is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's SportsCenter. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." 88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch 100. There's always a game on somewhere.
"I was married 3 times," explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my third wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame," said his friend. "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
