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How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it`s from.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You`re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can`t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn`t decide which one to take, so I told her we`d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn`t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That`s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let`s go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don`t feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You`re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can`t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I`m not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I`m smarter than her.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge!
A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant. "Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on." "Why? I'm not disturbing anybody." "Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs. - A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need. - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. - A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. - A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. - To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. - Women somehow deteriorate overnight. - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. - A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does. - Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die. - Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court.
But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
- If you work too hard, you re not spending enough time with her. If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. - If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. - If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. - If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. - If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. - If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. - If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. - If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you re a slob. - If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. - If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands… First floor The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went. Second floor The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?” Third floor This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor, so further up they went.” Fourth floor This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on!” So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.”
