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A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband. "See," the wife said to the man lying beside her, "Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"
A guy breaks into a house to look for money and anything which was valuable and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, he thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH…BY UGGA BUGGA!"
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?" Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Santa was one Christmas Eve night in a house sneaking in to put presents under a tree. Unfortunately, that caused a disturbance and a woman was woken up and she went down to investigate. Now this woman had a strange sexual attraction to Santa so when she saw him she was very joyful. She said to Santa, "Hey Mr. Santa. Recently I've been very lonely and could do with some manliness in the bedroom. Mind staying a while?" To that Santa replied, "Ho, ho, ho! Santa's got to go. If I don't arrive at their houses, the children are going to know." So the woman removed her shirt showing her bra. Giving the doe eyes, she said, "Please Mr. Santa, just this once?" Santa, without showing emotion, replied, "Ho, ho, ho! Santa's got to go. If I don't arrive at their houses the children are going to know." Reacting to that, the woman removes here jeans, saying "You don't know how crazy I am going to go to make you stay." Santa just repeated the same line. The woman went to unhook her bra and took it off showing unabashedly her breasts. "It'll be my lifelong dream you realise." Santa repeated his same reply, this time being a little sweaty. The woman gave a cheeky smile and said, "You asked for it." Then she took off her underpants and was standing there stark naked not covering up her breasts or vulva but letting Santa take as long peak at them as he could. "So what now?" the woman replied. Santa simply said, "Ho, ho, ho! Santa's got to stay. I can't get up the chimney with a stiffy in the way."
Three missionaries were deep in the jungle when they were happened upon by cannibals. The cannibals captured all three and brought them before their chief. The chief looked over all of them and said,"For trespassing on our land, you must be punished. You have two choices. You may choose a quick and painless death, or Ooga Booga." The first missionary said, "I do not wish to die. I choose Ooga Booga" He was grabbed and spread eagled over a log, and then every male cannibal proceded to rape the poor man. When they were finished, the missionary was barely breathing. The next missionary, paled when he observed this, but he then stood up, "However horrific it may be, I still want to live. I choose Ooga Booga." Again, the man was tied to the log, and every male in the village, and some males from a neighboring village also joined in and raped him. By the time they were finished, the missionary was unconscious and seemed near death. The third missionary, upon seeing the fate of the other two, decided enough was enough. "I choose death." The chief looked at the third man, and smiled, "Death by Ooga Booga!"
