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Two old women on a beach, a streaker ran past, one had a stroke but the other one could't reach...
A woman walks into a chemist and asks if they sell extra large condoms. " Yes madam" says the chemist. " Would you like to know how much they are?" " No thanks," she says. " But do you mind if i wait to see if anyone buys some!"
Ikea are now selling LESBIAN BEDS...... There's no screwing involved, just Tongue in Groove...
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread?
A little boy hurts his finger, runs in the house, and calls out to his mother. "Oh," she says, "let me get a band-aid for that." "No!" Crys the boy. "Cider!" "Cider?" the mother exclaims. "What on earth do you want cider for?" "Because," he explains, "Sis says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she likes to put it in cider."
Two women are in a noisy launderette and the first one can't hear what the other is saying "Come again?!" she asks "No this time it's mustard!"
1. What does a car with hydraulics and a blonde have? They both bounce. 2.what's the difference between a woman's pussy and a lolipop? you never stop sucking a pussy.
A guy goes to see his doctor about a problem that he has. Once in the surgery, the doc asks the guy what is wrong with him. The guy replies "well doc, you see I've got this problem and it's really quite embarrassing..." "Go on," says the doctor. "Well," continues the guy "I've got an orange penis..." "Never!" says the doctor "I'm sorry but I don't believe you." So the man pulls down his trousers and underpants, 'whips it out' and sure enough there for all to see is a bright orange penis. "Well I never," says the doc. "This is a form of a rash that I have seen in other parts of the body, but never 'there', and it's normally caused by great amounts of stress in a person's life - can you tell me about your work life?" The guy replies "well, I got sacked two months ago..." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "I really hated my last job - the hours were terrible, the work was boring and my boss was a total prick. Now I've got a new job with better pay, better hours, it's interesting and my boss is cool." "Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your home life?" To this the guy replies "Well, I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "She was a real bitch, my ex-wife. All she did all day was nag, nag, nag - I'm so glad to be rid of her." "Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your social life?" To this the guy replies "err... well I don't really have one - most nights I just stay home, watch porn and eat Cheetos..."
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us. "Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
No offense meant folks so please remember these are jokes! Lesbonics 1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? A licker cabinet. 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke. 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge. 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. 5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders. 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss. 7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung. 8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake. 9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls. 10. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes. 11. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. 12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker. 13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers? = 100 people that don't do dick
